Today is always a rough and tough day for me. It was and is my best friends birthday. He is no longer with us. My grandfather John Gudex. He was my rock. My best friend. The person I always went to when I needed guidance or who I went to when I needed to keep my demons at bay. He help me through the hardest of times. He has been gone a few years now and I havent found that person to fill his spot. These last few years have been testing. My faith has been tested. My will has been tested. My worth has been tested. Many in my family have had dreams about him or in some way made their peace. I couldnt find my peace. Just recently I made some peace. SOME. I lay in bed wondering..... Is tonight he will finally come to visit me?? Will I get to hear his voice?? As I sit by and hear family say that he has visited them I sit and wonder.... Did I do something wrong?? Do I not deserve to get my visitation?? Do I not need him bad enough yet?? I havent lost my memories I had with him but it is getting harder and harder to remember his face. A few weeks ago a fellow polisher helped me through one of my lowest times by stating the question that maybe Ive been looking for him in the wrong places. Where was he most proud of me? My business and my dedication to my work and family. Some days polishing just all falls into place when they probably shouldnt. What if that was him helping me through my low times. If so he never left my side. I have had lots of days like that since he has passed. I miss that man everyday and hope he is looking from wherever he is and is still proud of where Im headed. Part of last week was not only to clear the negativity but to find great friends that I can open up to to help me get through my issues like my grandfather used to. He was always joking around and wore his heart on his shoulder. He would have given you the shirt off his back if ya asked for it. A lot of the reason for who I am and why I am are because of him and my father. Those 2 men combined made me the humble and hardworking guy I am. I have a hard time letting people into my world and into my life without my guard up. New leaf. This is me. Shine on!!
Posted on: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 00:06:04 +0000
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