Today, is not an easy day. We all have them and most of us say nothing. But today, I need to say something. Even if others feel it is nothing. Those of us who live our lives to help others are often overlooked and not seen as ever having a hard time. Its like when we have a moment of weakness or need some time to recharge and regenerate, we are seen as being mean or selfish. And thats not the case. This is not meant as a pity party for me or for others who are constantly serving others...so dont think of this as such. I just would like those who look down upon us to consider walking in our shoes for one day...even those we serve. On a regular day, (and this is me; everyones experience will vary) I get up at around 6am to drive 40 min to pick up my very exhausted children from their father because we are separated and he wants to spend as much time as possible with them. Commendable but hard on all of us financially, physically and emotionally. Then, we head home. Another 40 minutes or so. On the drive home, I hear the fighting, arguing and complaining. I feel like a horrible mother, first, because my children are in this situation to begin with and second because theres not much I can do to rectify the situation. We arrive home just in time for Mike to go to work and for me to start babysitting. I have a child that arrives at 7:20 am and one at 8:20am. They are the sweetest two boys in the world! Couldnt ask for better kids! Then, the day of busy-ness begins! Usually fun but oftentimes demanding and hectic. I try to do things with the kids that will not only entertain them but teach them certain skills to ensure Ive done all I could to prepare them for a great future (the best I can as a babysitter, and then parent to my kids). So, thats five kids demanding my attention and I try my best to do what I can. Then, we have Geoffery who is 15 (soon to be 16) who requires extra attention due to his Aspergers and ADHD. Being able to manage with all the different personalities, needs, and expectations is emotionally and physically exhausting to say the least. But I do it because I love these kids more than life itself. When I have to growl at the kids because theyre not being respectful or considerate of others, I feel like a bad person. And trust me, theres a ton of disrespect that occurs on a daily basis in any home because of how spoiled we have allowed our children to become in this world...our children have sooo much to learn! So, when the evening comes, and supper is done, thus begins the long and seemingly endless task of getting three kids bathed, snacks and ready for bed. My two kids dont seem to want to sleep- EVER! It is usually a process that begins at around 8:30pm and lasts til 10 or 11 with me rotating between the two kids laying down with them. By the time they finally fall asleep, Im beat. Poor Mike hasnt had much time to even talk to me and Geoffery is needing my attention as well. I hug Chloe and ask her about her day as well and she too, wishes I would lay down with her. But Im so physically exhausted, I cant any longer than I have to. So, I say goodnight to Geoff and Mike and after I get into bed, I try to sleep. The events of the day crowd my mind and I always wonder if I couldve done something better for anyone...if I couldve given more of me somehow to help someone...and eventually I doze off. Throughout the night, Im awakened by either Kyle or Cali hollering for me because theyve either woke up from a bad dream, or were scared because it was dark and wanted the reassurance Mommy was there for them. (Likely due to the separation and the anxiety that continues to haunt them from that). Back and forth I go to snuggle and lay down with them. Hoping they will get a good nights rest. Before I know it, its morning and the boys are here and we start all over again. Friday hits. Geoff and Mike feel neglected because Ive had to give all of my time to the younger ones and theyre looking forward to some of my attention and time. Im sad because Im going to miss my kids but Im also hopeful for some rest. Little do I know, I will be dealing with the repercussions of not being able to help Geoff work through his emotions from the week and I also have wedding pictures and such to do. Chloe and Mike are also wanting some of my attention. So, here I am. Sunday, completely exhausted and feeling like a zombie. Geoffery is reaching out desperately for attention and Mike wants to spend some time with me. Chloe also craves the motherly affection she honestly deserves. I wonder how my kids are doing and know the dogs need baths desperately. I feel like everyone around me looks down on me in the Harvey area because Im not from this area and all they see is some woman who started dating a man with two kids, and that our life is hectic. What they dont see are the constant battles we all deal with everyday in this house and our lives. So, there is just a small piece of the stress I deal with everyday... And I know many others who deal with even more. So the next time you look at someone and want to judge them or say something about them...try and put yourself in their shoes. Some of us are just hanging on by an invisible thread even though we put that smile on our face like nothing is wrong. We pretend we are doing great as we help others through their struggles because we are the people pleasers who want to make a difference in this world. Remember that before you attempt to judge them. Ami out.
Posted on: Sun, 13 Jul 2014 17:02:00 +0000
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