Today is the day. The day I wish I could erase from the calendar permanently. The day we lost our girl. For the past two years, we have managed to be gone on this day. The first year we were in Europe, where the difference in time zones allowed us to be blur the lines differentiating the days, effectively doing what I needed to be done. Erasing the day. Last year we were traveling home from Hawaii, having spent half the day in her favorite place, the other half traveling, so by the time we got home it was the 22nd. This is year 3, and we are home. But, I need to leave. I opened my eyes and for about 3 blissful seconds it was just any other day. And then, it hit me. Lying there, where she drew her last breaths, the guilt, the fear, the anger, the longing, the need to feel my daughter again overwhelmed me. I feel like a caged animal, the walls of my home, and my mind, confining me to this place where the emotions close in and threaten to crush me. 3 years later, and unlike my daughter, the feelings associated with losing her have only grown and gained strength. The guilt I feel…. Wondering what she was able to hear and see at the end. Wondering if I did the right things and made the right choices. Wondering if she was in pain and I didn’t know. Wondering what she was thinking as this monster stole her life. No matter how far and fast I run, I will never escape the feeling that I failed her. It is what will haunt me until the end of my own days. I am her mommy. I was supposed to take care of her, protect her. I didn’t. 3 years…..it seems impossible that I have lived without my child for 3 years. I need her more than ever. I long to hold her in my arms, to kiss the top of her sweet head, but I am losing her, slowly but surely, with every day that passes. Like the tide stealing grains of sand as it laps the shore, my ability to “feel” her is fading. I can’t remember what her arms feel like around my neck. I can’t hear her voice saying, “I love you, momma” any more. She is always present, in my head and in my heart, but more like a dream now. And sometimes I wonder if she was really here. It scares me, this losing her. It scares me as much as the cancer did. And just like the tumor, there is nothing I can do about it. My heart is broken, and every day spent without her, rather than mending, it breaks a little more. There is only one thing that could fix this, and the chorus from Pink’s song “Beam Me Up” conveys it best: “Could you beam me up Give me a minute,I dont know what Id say in it Id probably just stare Happy just to be there holdin your face Beam me up Let me be lighterIm tired of bein a fighter I think a minutes enough Just beam me up” Mommy is sorry, baby girl. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I let you hurt. I love you and miss you with every ounce of my being. I would do anything for that minute. I wish someone could just “beam me up” so I could be your mommy again. https://vimeo/101330309
Posted on: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 20:17:03 +0000
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