Today is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. What I remember most from the days, weeks, and months spent navigating through the murky abyss of my grief was the outpouring of love from family, friends, and acquaintances. It is hard to know what to say to parents that have lost a child and I am forever grateful to everyone that reached out with even a simple Im sorry for your loss. One of the things that still astonishes me is how many women in my life had previously lost pregnancies and children and yet I HAD NO IDEA. It still makes me sad. I often wonder if the silence is because we dont know what to say. Silence is the worst. I understand why we choose silence though. We dont know what to say or we fear saying the wrong things. I cringe to think of the things I likely have said to other parents faced with the loss of their child prior to the death of Winza. ******************************************************** I lifted the following from an article on a site specifically for infant loss: Some people say nothing and avoid the parent, which has the outcome of being more hurtful than anything they could say (and this seems to be remembered most). If you are unsure and don’t know what to say, tell them exactly that - I dont know what to say. I am so sorry for your loss. That is better than avoiding them. Chances are they dont know what to say or do either but your presence and support will mean a lot. Remember, their baby and the loss they have just experienced is the most important thing to them right now. By saying nothing, you are not acknowledging their loss, their pain, their baby. Its okay to not know what to say, or to think of any words that can be comforting, but ignoring it and not acknowledging it at all (ever) hurts even more. If you are unable to say anything, send a card, an email, a text. Anything. A simple hug goes a long way too. Things to say: Im sorry for your loss This simple sentence speaks volumes. It acknowledges their loss. People often think they have to say something to make the person feel better. Sometimes there are things you can say that will help but more often than not, there are no words. Even if you have sent a card it is nice to tell them again that you are sorry for their loss. This simple statement breaks the ice and tells people you are open to listening. If they want to talk about it they will; if they dont then they will let you know. Some people feel that bringing it up will be upsetting. It might, but it is worse by not bringing it up at all. The reality is that grieving parents are thinking about it all the time and you are not upsetting or reminding them by bringing it up. Often parents really want to, and need to, talk about their child. It can be awkward as death is an awkward topic, and if you cant say it face to face then try and send a message in another way. Sometimes it is just as awkward for the bereaved parent because they think everyone thinks of them as the person whose baby died. Bereaved parents can also feel like they have to shield others from their grief. Like it or not, grief is an uncomfortable topic for everyone involved. How are you feeling? Ask the parent how they are feeling each time you speak to them. People will generally tell you if they dont want to talk about it - and dont take that personally if they dont as emotions can change from minute to minute. You may think that you dont want to upset them by bringing it up. It will also depend on the person and your relationship to that person - use your discretion based on the situation, the environment and the timing. By asking them, at least they will know you are still thinking of them and their loss. Thinking of you Even if you have nothing to say, it is nice to get an email or a text saying you are thinking of them. Down the track it is nice to have someone ask how you are feeling once in a while as it means you have not forgotten. Even though life for you may have gone back to normal and the grieving parent seems to be doing better, the pain is still there for them. Speak their babys name If their baby had a name, dont be afraid to use it in conversation. Again this acknowledges their baby and loss. The parent will appreciate hearing their babys name spoken. Avoid using clinical words like embryo or foetus. Using it is also not polite. Your baby is a nicer way of referring to their baby if they did not have a name. Dont make it about you or give your opinion on what or why - just acknowledge their child, their pain and leave it at that. DONT try to offer explanations: It happened for a reason. There is no reason that could justify the death of a baby. Would you say to someone that their brothers death happened for a reason? It wasnt meant to be. How can you say to someone that their baby was not meant to be? You are talking about the most important thing in their life and that comment is very belittling. No one has the knowledge to determine fate. It was for the best. The best for whom? Never say this, even if you believe it to be true. This is not about your feelings right now, it is about the person suffering the loss. And no one has the right to make this assumption on their behalf.This will contribute nothing to the support they need right now. It could have been worse - imagine if you lost an older child (or its better that it happened now instead of later on). Loss of life at any stage is very painful. Losing someone you have not met yet or have not had the chance to know is different to someone you have gotten to know, but the losses can be equally as painful. Each person is unique in how they grieve and the loss will affect them differently. It is not up to you to tell them what would be better for them. You were only early - it wasnt a baby yet, just a bunch of cells. A mother can bond with her baby from the moment of conception and even before then because plans, hopes and dreams are made very early on. A baby starts forming from the moment of conception - and they are very real to the mother. Insulting their babys appearance is not going to help. The baby had great meaning in her life already. There must have been something wrong with it. Sometimes there are reasons for a miscarriage, and other times there arent. Dont try and be a medical expert as often no one knows the answer to this. Even if there was something wrong with the baby, they would be grieving that fact already and would be very saddened that something happened to their baby. Dont add further insult to their them or their baby. You cant replace a baby You can try again, or you can have another baby. Even if this is the case, they are grieving the loss of THIS baby. Another baby wont take away the pain or the memory of the baby that was lost. You cannot replace one baby with another. Even if the mother has further children, or lost one twin while the other survived, she will always long for the baby that was lost. That baby is still a life. At least you have another child. Of course the parent would be grateful to have a child already but they will still be grieving the loss of THIS baby, a separate individual. A whole new life. By saying this you are taking away their right to grieve and not acknowledging the pain or the loss of their baby. It was Gods will. This is not helpful at all. While some people are more spiritual or religious, others may question their beliefs. Even if you believe there are higher forces at play, no one has the right to speak on Gods behalf and this comment would not make the grieving parent feel better. At least you know you can get pregnant. While that comment may be true in that the person did have a pregnancy - it offers no comfort for the loss of THIS baby. Each experience with a pregnancy and baby is different, as is trying to get pregnant. Having one pregnancy does not mean another pregnancy will definitely happen, and it also doesnt mean the same outcome will happen again.
Posted on: Wed, 15 Oct 2014 13:51:23 +0000
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