Today marks the day my Dad would have turned 51 years old. I just don’t understand how he could be taken away from all of us so young, I don’t understand how there is this “plan” that is setup. Why out of all people did this have to happen to me and my family, it’s as if I can keep asking questions but that will never take me anywhere. I grew up being so reliant on him; it kind of kicked me in the ass later on. Forcing me to grow up twice as fast, I never thought in this point of my life I would have to take on so many tasks and responsibilities that were and weren’t my priority. I never thought that my future plans would suddenly change, because of the situation I am now in. I never thought at this age I would need to set examples as a father/brother figure to my niece and nephews that live with me. How hard is that you think when I’m nowhere near that kind of model that should be put in that situation? I am still growing up myself and looking at little tasks that my Dad would take care of now takes a toll on me. I can remember the day my mom and dad sat me down in the family room to discuss what was going on with my Dad. When he explained and told me that he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and that all they could do is delay it with chemo and that there was no cure and the chances of living were less than a year. All of the sudden the person I looked up too, my superhero wasn’t going to be there for me anymore. Throughout all of it I was in such denial to want to realized what was happening, my Dad kept saying “I’ll beat the odds don’t worry, we are going to enjoy this summer and go camping, fourwheeling, fishing”. We never got too that summer… I believed so much in what he kept telling me, and I know he did it because he didn’t want me to be afraid. I just wish I wasn’t in such denial at the time. I just can’t accept that he can’t be there to see all of my “firsts” he isn’t there too see and help me with my struggles. Even the short little texts and the pep talks out of nowhere sometimes, just showed me how much you were always thinking about me. I just know he would be proud of me with school and all of the sports I have contributed too and seeing others that have followed me in the process. He was supposed to watch me on the sidelines playing football; he was supposed to tell me what I’m doing wrong so I could become better, heck I know if he was here and could he’d be playing with us or at least coaching. Even watching the Dallas Cowboy games with him is something that shouldn’t have had to end, yes a lot of those games were always frustrating to watch but he is the one that helped me control my emotion of the game, because he was once like that. He also gave me all of his silly superstitions on how to watch the games, but showed me to never give up on something even if you can’t control the outcome, whether that had to do with football or not. The thing is I have struggled trying to stay okay, I have been keeping myself so occupied even to the extent to where I am overwhelming myself, but I do it to hide everything. I was only 19 years old when I lost you and you were only 49 years old, only a few months away from your 50th. That day with my head on your casket with my arms hiding my face with my tears rushing down, I kept telling myself I wouldn’t leave this cemetery, that I wasn’t ready to let you go. It just doesn’t seem right. You had so many friends and helped so many people, I just hope that I can be at least half of the kind of guy you were. Every time someone says you look just like your father it makes me smile and most the time I tear up at the same time, but I always take it as a compliment. You had many names that everyone knew you by: Michael, Mike, Mikey, Cowboy Mike, Exxon and just Dad… I love you so much and I wish I could celebrate this birthday with you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Thanks all of my friends and family that have helped me, a lot of it you may not even recognize doing but trust me it counts just as much.
Posted on: Mon, 16 Sep 2013 22:29:24 +0000
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