Today, my grandma died. It is typical to express not only sadness at the death of a loved one, but regret that theyve passed. That is not exactly what I feel. For the last several months, my grandma has been ushered between assisted living and the hospital E.R., her life endangered by spikes in her calcium level (due to her lymph node cancer) that have left her delirious Sometimes she has recognized me, sometimes she has not. Ive stood beside her and listened to her ask to ring the Reconciliators, men who, in her words, arrange the bed. I remember a moment in the hospital (right before she was admitted to Hospice) when the sponge used to provide her with water seemed eerily like the sponge its said they offered Jesus wine with. With death comes a certain absence of meaning. Everything matters a little less (or maybe, with time, a little more) when seen through the lens of a hospital room, watching the steady drip of an IV, because it is the easiest thing to stare at. I was watching my eight-year old sister when I got the news. I told her grandma had died (I wanted to avoid euphemisms, avoid saying shed passed) and held her in my arms as she cried - she whos been riddled with medical problems her whole life, and spent large portions of her early years in the hospital, and will travel to Arkansas for surgery later this year. During that time, when I was still in high-school, I spent a summer at my grandmas, living in a stuffy attic, watching DVDs from Netflix on a laptop (no streaming yet). Now I look at my sister and think that for my grandma, she will never be older than she is now. Shes almost nine. Its a strange fact. Our lives (and memories) are segments. My grandmas segment has ended, and everyone she knew (from her perspective) is gone as well, frozen in time. My grandma searched for meaning in her cancer; often blaming herself (what have I done?). The truth is, there is none. It only is. Christians may disagree, but I ask you this: what meaning did God offer Job for his suffering, including the death of his entire family? What answer did he give? None. Goodbye. I love you. I do not expect to see you again.
Posted on: Mon, 07 Jul 2014 21:06:08 +0000
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015