Today my mom is celebrating her birthday. Im working, so I cant be there, but Im thinking of her nonetheless. There isnt a day in my life when I dont think of my mom, or use something I learned from her. My moms specialty is doing the impossible. I didnt realize a lot of this till I got older and had a child of my own, because she made everything look easy. However, my moms life was anything but easy. My parents adopted me when I was six days old. Having a baby is a huge adjustment when you have nine months to plan for it. Try having three days. When they were approved to adopt they were told it could be years till they got a baby. I think they got the call about me a month later, and had a very short time to prepare before picking me up. The first night I slept in the laundry basket, because they went from being not parents to being parents literally overnight. I was an adored baby- mom made little outfits for me, knitted booties, and sewed blankets. She jumped right into being a mom and it couldnt have been easy. Then, about three months later, my mom started getting morning sickness. She had been told she couldnt have kids but guess what? She was going to get to raise a newborn while pregnant with her second. My sister and I are less than a year apart in age. Id probably have been institutionalized. She was thrilled. My sister was followed by my two brothers. Mom ended up with four of us under the age of five. Again, theyd have had to lock me up somewhere, preferably someplace very quiet. Four kids to dress, feed, bathe, and keep from killing each other every day. When Lex was little it was a major struggle for me to get her out the door in matching shoes. And I just had her. Then, my brother Jared got a bad DPT shot that left him brain damaged. Suddenly, my mom not only was a mother of four, she was a caretaker and advocate for a profoundly disabled child with no hopeful prognosis. She had to manage his special diet and multiple medications. She had to find out the best educational options for him. She had to learn about his seizures, and monitor their frequency and severity. She had to deal with doctors, some of whom were profoundly arrogant and totally ignorant about special needs kids-a dangerous combination. We were essentially in the dark ages when it came to the care of the disabled. There were really very few resources. Most families with disabled kids institutionalized them. Now, families with kids like Jared often hire full time caretakers. We didnt. Not only that, but with no internet, my mom researched shot reactions and found out everything she could on his condition. I remember her ordering books through our local library. When other parents asked her about Jared, she was able to speak articulately and knowledgeably about drug induced encephalopathy and seizure disorders, as well as the difference between whole and partial cell vaccines and the risks associated with the current available immunizations. I dont know how she even knew where to start looking. But she found the information and absorbed it all. In addition, our childhoods were Little House on the Prairie idyllic. My mom sewed clothes, handmade toys (I still have the hand painted circus blocks she and Dad made for me) and kept the house immaculate. She kept a daily diary for all of us individually. Our house was decorated for every holiday, with decorations she made herself. She was always room mother and den mother, preparing amazing homemade cookies and cupcakes for our classes and meetings, bringing Jared along in his wheelchair when she delivered them. She made our Halloween costumes and our birthday cakes, using the Wilton cake pans and decorating each cake with about seven billion little star points of icing. I dont know when she slept, honestly. Martha Stewart made millions doing the same things my mom did our entire lives. Im lucky if I can wash the dishes and do enough laundry for both me and Lex to have clean underwear, and I only have one child who is really quite easy to take care of. I dont know how she managed four of us, especially considering the level of care Jared needed. Its especially amazing that while caring for my brother, mom also found ways to focus on the rest of us. Mom made sure each of us had a day every month where we got to feel special. Friday was always someones day, and we rotated. If it was your day you got to sit up front in the car, choose what we had for dinner, pick out a movie at the video store, and choose a game or activity for us to do as a family. It was really pretty ingenious. It would be so easy with multiple kids to lose one in the shuffle. She found a way to make sure we all had times where we were the focus. She also knew I loved to read, and got us to the library every week. It doesnt seem like a big thing but when you consider the logistics of getting four kids, one of them handicapped, ready to go to town and loaded into the car, then unloaded and corralled the entire time we were there, its pretty huge. Especially considering that those trips were mainly for the benefit of ONE child-me. I never realized it, but in the beginning money was tight because of everything Jared needed. We never knew it because we had everything we needed. Mom was extremely resourceful. She bartered homemade bread for milk and eggs, shopped at yard sales for nice clothes, and sometimes cut bigger clothes down into smaller ones. She canned jam and vegetables from our garden. She could make or design anything. She helped Dad design and build our house. Every time I break down and refinish a furniture piece, Im using skills I picked up watching her. Every time I cook for my friends or sew or design something, Im doing something I saw her do first. I knew how to make a cake that looked like a dachshund for my daughters eighth birthday because of my mom. But I learned other things from her too, things that have been invaluable to me as a single mother. I learned to educate myself about the unique needs of my child. I learned not to accept something just because a teacher or doctor or A supposed expert says thats the beginning and end of it. I learned to trust myself and my instincts and to stand up and keep standing up when I know Im right about something. I am not much of a diplomat, (I tend to just piss people off) but if I have any skills whatsoever in that area I learned them from her. She negotiated the medical system and the school system, and fielded inquiries from strangers and friends about my brother like she was hammering out the SALT treaty. She had to. And a lot of those people werent especially polite either. Try being asked Is your son dangerous?, or being told your child is probably demon posessed without losing your temper. Mom could be confronted by someone like that, and explain clearly and logically why that person was an ignorant jackass without ever using those exact words. But youd better believe the jackass in question was seeing things from moms viewpoint after they talked to her. A particularly rude doctor told my mother that she watched too much television when she informed him Jared didnt have CP, he had a reaction to a bad vaccine. She spoke so intelligently and so persuasively that the doctor chose to do more research into the subject. He eventually came to her and admitted hed been wrong and apologized. And I can never forget, during a time in my life when everything in my world was unstable, Mom took me and my daughter in and gave us a place to recover. My mom also took care of Lex while I was away working in St. Louis, and provided her with stability and normality during a time when she desperately needed it. If she hadnt been willing to do that, I might still be working at Wal Mart and miserable. Instead, I had a chance to make my life better. I can never thank my mother enough for that, and for everything else. I had the gift of growing up under the care of someone who worked miracles every day, without the benefit of supernatural powers. My moms superpower was loving her family. I have been profoundly blessed by that experience, and I am grateful for all my mom taught me, and gave to me throughout my life. Happy Birthday to my Mom, Connie Willman. I love you so much, and I hope your day is wonderful.
Posted on: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 17:10:51 +0000
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