Today was an interesting, thought-provoking time for me. Playing a set opening for a festival was a wonderful experience and it was an honor to be apart of something big that Sacramento was apart of. But the grandiose set of Explosions in the Sky made me cry in part because it was beautiful, and also in part because my heart wants that so much; to play music at the end of the night with the bands I respect most. If I were to be able to freely express my dreams, without fear of judgment or rejection or the accusation of narcism, tunnel-vision or inauthenticity, I would tell the whole world about my love of songs. But I keep it down. I keep it under control. I try to act like its not a big deal, not to seem cool but as a coping mechanism. I try to dream, but not too much. I try, but not too hard. I prepare myself for rejection by repeating like a mantra that not everyone will like my music and its okay. I try not to take it personally when people I dont know are mean to me because if we were friends wed have a better understanding. I remind myself every morning, Im doing this for six year old me, on the porch steps of my Mormors house on Christmas, singing for the whole neighborhood because thats what makes me the happiest girl alive. But for seem reason, when people ask me if I love what I do I seem hesitant. And its because I dont want to get my hopes up to such a high place that, if no one ever helps us, my heart will absolutely break. Everyone says its not personal. But to me, this is my entire life. Its intensely personal. I feel every part of it. Ive been approached by a lot of people this year asking for wisdom and advice on how to make it lately. On how to be chosen for festivals. How to have a promoter write you back. How to release an album. How to get signed. How to get people out to shows. And I try to glean as much as I can from my positive past experiences; from the wonderful people Ive met and the great opportunities Ive had. I am positive and lovely about the people I work with and the place I create. And none of it is a lie. The only real thing that hangs me up is that while Im trying to guide other people, I dont know how to get to the next step for myself. I tell everyone I speak to, I feel like Im stuck in the corner of a room with no door. And its really true. Ive been playing music for eleven years now. I wake up every morning to write, to email, to make connections, to update websites, to work on stage sets, to try to inspire myself to keep creating work thats better than my last. But, in the scheme of things, its only a very small notch on a really big tree. I dont have connections, I dont know people. I dont *have* people. Its been me on a laptop since I was fifteen. Its been me selling tickets at Starbucks for over a decade. Not a lot has changed, and this year Im starting to feel it. That weird undercurrent that begins the catalyst, either to make it or break it, is thundering under my bridge. In a very honest moment, I think its time to say freely, like a tiny girl singing on a porch step, I dont know what to do. I feel like Ive tried everything and theres no where else for me to go. I feel like I send the same e-mails everyone else does, deal with the same rejection everyone else faces. And after each show, just like everyone else, all I can think about is how Ill do better next time, what we can do differently, how to better engage and when to take breaths in a line next time. I focus on my dream so much, the mere existence of a mistake in my set/behavior/goals/to-do lists makes me feel like Ive wasted a huge chance to convince someone to help us reach our goals. I feel like I fail myself, my band members, my community, my fans and my friends. Im not here to complain or to place blame. Im just here to say, hey, I get it. Its really hard to chase your dream. Youre not alone. If theres anyone else out there in this boat, this post is mainly for you. I am Sacramento Successful, but what does that even mean? I want to change the world, not stay stagnant. I dont know how to do it...thats true. But I would love to keep trying with you, if youre down. Lets try and figure this out. Love, Me.
Posted on: Sun, 05 Oct 2014 06:00:35 +0000
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