Todays moment with mom: 9/14/14 & 9/17/14 All things come in time... To everything there is a season.... It is what it is... Phrases that make me sigh. I was surprised today at how dehydrated mom looked when I arrived. I was stunned by the appearance of blood and clots in the collection bag that hangs on the side of her bed. Im not a doctor- but I feel like when I see that, its .., not good. Dad called the hospice nurse who told him it was normal... Normal makes my heart sad. I brought Tess (my baby squirreler) with me and put her up to moms cheek. Mom said: ooo.. as Tess snuzzeled her on the cheek and nose. Mom liked my other squirrel (Snack) and always thought i should write a book about him. I would suspect if she could talk, shed make that suggestion for this lil baby too. As I held Tess to moms cheek, Tess fell fast asleep. Mom would look out of the corner of her eye down at Tess and say: ooooo... I gave mom some puréed plums and water. She didnt take in much of either. I stood next to her bed and talked at her. She looked straight into my eyes. I told her about Natashas wedding and some of the choices shes making. There were times where she raised her eyebrows in excitement and would say: oooo... Her eyes smiled. I bent over and laid across mom to hug her. As my head laid on her chest listening to her breathing and her heart, I wondered how much longer it would have this opportunity. As I laid there, the tears began to flow from my eyes and my breathing changed to soft sobs. Mom wiggled her fingers under my chin and lowered her chin down to meet the back of my head. I believe it was her offering as much of a hug as she could... Either that or she was saying: get off me... Youre crushing me I stood up and she looked at me. I wiped the tears from my eyes but they would not stop. I laid across her again. Deep breath... Peace within... Peace within... When I regained composure, I stood back up to give her a kiss. Sigh.... She kissed back. I said: I love you she said: uh uhl uh. I will believe that to be an I love you. 9/17/14 Yesterday I had sort of a little melt down because of seeing the blood in the urine. I know the nurse said its okay and normal... But... I called hospice ... Just to talk to someone who understands and can explain some things about moms decline. She said she knows mom and had seen her before. She also said shed heard mom was declining in her health and progressing in the dying process. The big thing that hit me in that conversation was: If you see a month to month decline- they have months. If you see week to week they have weeks. If you see day to day- they have days. The nurse left a pamphlet today on the dying process (which is not helpful as it address someone that can communicate easily) She also left a note saying: Lorrie is definitely declining week to week..... After the conversation yesterday with the hospice nurse, that brings a clearer understanding of what she is saying now. Tonight I am hanging with mom while dad is taking some respite time with friends. Autumn stayed a little longer to visit. She mentioned that the nurse left something for me... Id seen it, but was trying to ignore it. If its not there its not true ... Right? No- thats wrong. Its necessary to- accept and... Center. After Autumn left I made myself some dinner and read the note from the nurse several times. After eating some, I came back into moms room and crawled up next to her on the bed. As I held her hand I noticed it was cool... Cooler than normal, but not cold. She holds my hand as I lightly rub her palm and fingers. As I lay next to her, she occasionally coughs a phlegmy cough followed by somewhat of a growling breathing... Ive heard the death rattle while with my bio dad as he passed. Its not the same sound, but still alarming to me. I squeeze her hand and she squeezes back. I kiss her cheek with a noisy squeaker kiss and she presses her cheek to my lips as she fades in and out of sleep. Her hands are still cool in my hand. Her eyes are now closed. Sweet dreams Mutti... Sweet dreams...
Posted on: Thu, 18 Sep 2014 04:29:36 +0000
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