Tonight I feel sadness. I wish to step outside of myself and cast me off like a dirty change of clothes. I would like to change into something. Someone. Anyone but who I am. Someone capable of seperating the parts of themselves into the wants and the needs and the haves, who is able to use others to fill those needs seperately without having to give my whole self. I would like to be on the outside of me to see what it is about me that makes people want to use me, but not want to want me. Not want to need me. I give pieces of myself that others nonchalantly walk away with, despite the large disclaimer I have given that if they dont want that piece, please, just tell me, and put it down before you rapidly walk away from it. Dont walk away WITH it. And yet fate and the universe seems to delight in the fact that for most of my recollection, all Ive wanted was a place within someone where I fit, yet never ever in my memory have I fit somewhere. Anywhere. I always feel like I am outside, watching whats on the inside. And now I feel old. I feel as though I spent so long waiting for something that perhaps it has passed me by while I was chasing after the illusion of it. The myth of it. I do, until recently, blame no one but myself...but currently I dont. I now give full disclosure before I start to rip the little pieces out of me that I hand over, over and over again. I warn that I am broken. Twisted. Aching. That please, if you want something from me make it clear what it is. Make it clear what it isnt. Dont hold your hands out for those pieces of me if your intention is to drop them as soon as closer inspection reveals them to be sub par for your standards. And god damn if every time I lose a piece of myself, despite my valiant efforts, whatever of me remains seems to enlarge with the same hopes and expectations that were squashed with the taking of the last parts. I am a victim of my own stupidity and my ignorance that feelings are finite and that lonliness surely cant stretch on and on for the long dark miles it appears to from were I stand. I am under no delusions of what I am worth. But even the lowliest dog on the street often times finds a place of comfort on a bed with someone who finds beauty in the ugliness and can learn to love a mongrel. I dont pray. Not really like I should. Not like I used to. I remember the last time I prayed because of who it was for and because it had been so long since my previous prayer I couldnt even rember. I used to pray. And asked for happiness to find me AND STAY. For love to be the caring tender affectionate portrait painted by my parents and my siblings and not the torturous agony it has been for me. I have asked no more for myself than I asked for all of mankind. For the whole of humanity I prayed for every night to find some modicum of peace within each and every one of themselves. But tonight I will pray. Solely for myself. Wholly selfishly. I will pray that my heart be sealed. Shut down. Closed off to the world. That any capacity it has for love be taken from me. That I feel nothing. Not even emptiness or numbness. Just nothing. That I can escape even the joy that I know that surrounds me, so as to escape any disappointed or pain that seems to follow me. Make me unfeeling. Make me invincible. Make me not just empty but hollow. And take my heart and soul and lock it behind a heavy door and drop the key into the deepest depth of the ocean. Keep me from any happiness. Save me from pain. Shut me down. Let me solely exist. Keep me from the hope that somewhere there is a place for me. Able me to stop searching for the worth inside of myself that never seems sufficient. And when you are finished with whatever purpose you have for me, dont allow me to linger in the empty spaces like a ghost still searching for his earthly shadow. The pathetic figure still chasing after youthful dreams or the desire to build a history that there is no longer time for. When my usefulness is done, just take me home. I think that was a prayer right there. ....I feel like I should say Amen.
Posted on: Thu, 07 Aug 2014 05:07:34 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015