Tonight we tried to take Hannah to a Tatum football game. ( because John is now a Tatum Eagle). First time to make this type of event since the accident. I didnt realize they were playing Center, whose colors are purple and white. We sat in the press box and as half time neared, the drill team, which we had a clear view of from across the field, began to exit the stands and made their way to the end of the field. I had not looked at Hannah, but rather felt her body tense. As I turned my head to look at her, I could see the watery edge of tears about to spill from her lower lid. I got up and looked at John, who took one look at her, and immediately grabbed the wheelchair and transferred her to it as she began to cry. Not like an Im angry cry, not like a temper tantrum I didnt get my way cry, it was a deep hurt, I cant do this, heart broken sobbing cry. I know that every parent cringes and hurts and even sometimes cries when their child scrapes a knee, breaks an arm, or is suffering heartbreak. This cry was a release of the last 99 days of heartache. 99 days of release. 99 days of being stuck, 99 days of being lonely, 99 days being confined to a wheelchair, 99 days of not one perfect day, but a few perfect hours, 99 days of wishes to walk. 99 days of pain, fear, hope, prayers, anger, and forgiveness. 99 days of sitting outside of a window and watching the world walk around you. 99 days of 24 hours a day. We have had set backs, bad news, better news, physical therapy, doctors appts, hospital stays, surgeries, casting, occupational therapy all the while taking 5 Pre Ap classes from home. We have also had a an amazing amount of support. I say all of this to say that even though we have had an abundance of frustration, and we are allowed to cry, we never lose sight of our blessings. Some of you may know that I lost my mother 7 years ago next week. She was very ill and I sat at Good Shepherd for 16 hours straight talking to her, even though she couldnt respond, telling her how important she was to me, letting her know how much I needed her in my life. I pleaded with God to let me keep my mother, I tried to make deals with God, I promised to be a better person, I promised to go to church every Sunday instead of every once in a Sunday, I begged for Mercy for my mother. As I watched my mother and saw her breathing slow, her blood pressure drop, her kidneys had failed, her heart down to 36 beats minute... I saw her... I took in every ounce of the woman who gave me birth, and then I watched her take her last breath, a loud gulp and then no more. I was heartbroken and I was extremely angry. I was angry that there were so many bad people in the world and that my mother didnt deserve to die. She deserved to live, after all, she had always contributed to society, she had always worked hard. I was angry and I was angry with God. I did not understand. It took me 2 years before I went back to church. I asked for understanding. My faith became stronger as I felt like I could truly see my mother in my children and I realized that she was no longer sick. She wouldnt have wanted me to be mad. She wouldnt have wanted me to blame. I asked God for forgiveness and that HIS will be done. It wasnt up to me to understand. I became thankful for the time I did have. Looking at the situation we are in now, I no longer have the anger I once felt. Instead of being angry with our situation, I know that God has a plan for my Hannah. Im human, so I do feel concerned about her, I do feel frustration and fear, but I am no longer angry. Instead of turning away from God during this traumatic time in our life, I have grown as a Christian and was able to turn to God and thank HIM for allowing me to have my daughter, to be surrounded by a wonderful community that prays for her, to give me the time to be with her and encourage her to turn to HIM for comfort. I am hoping that I can help her understand that while we dont always have everything we want, we dont always get to participate and be a part of things kids her age are doing, she may not even be able to go back to school without a walker or a cane, I want her to know that what we do have is GOD and HE will NEVER fail us. We may not always understand, but we will always find comfort in HIM. We can wheel into church or we can walk into church or we can sit and pray together. GOD doesnt care how we do it as long as we do it. While our physical progress may be slow and sometimes exhausting, our faith is growing in leaps and bounds. Thank you all for your continued love and support. Hannah is still trying to find her way in all of this. She is definitely thankful. We are too. We are certainly blessed and will continue to feel that way. Hopefully tonight we were able to release some of the hurt and start tomorrow, day 100 , with giving more glory to GOD. We are after all, able to proceed through this process.... Wherever it takes us. We always know HE WILL BE THERE. We feel blessed. With Love~ The Winks
Posted on: Sat, 18 Oct 2014 03:48:39 +0000
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