Toward A Healthier Interpersonal Expression of Personal Power, Freedom and Respect This seems like common sense but in my experience a lot of folks have the imprint exactly backward: They believe they CAN control other people but CANT control their own reactions. In fact these folks believe they SHOULD control other people because it appears self-evident that they cannot control their reactions. Oh my, what a recipe for misery this particular form of interpersonal ignorance is.Aiyyeeee. These folks are the ones who behave abusively and feel like victims because they dont understand where their true power and freedom lies. I have known more than my share. Sometimes I have had success in waking these folks up, but often its an uphill battle and the best that one can hope for is to plant some seeds and get the hell out of dodge before the shame and blame and name-calling work their way through ones healthy shields and do permanent damage. I will say that where gender dynamics are concerned there is an uneven distribution of this kind of behavior among men. HOWEVER... The reason for this uneven distribution is that women actually support it. If I hadnt seen this with my own eyes and heard it with my own ears I wouldnt believe it because, albeit my family was far from perfect, I wasnt actually raised this way... The rationale goes like this: 1. Men are different animals than women. 2. Men are not capable of the same level of emotional maturity as women. 3. Men are much more fragile than women. 4. The male ego must be catered to and pandered to at all times. 5. Anything less than this is an absence of unconditional love. (!!!!!!) 6. Women (and often in these households, children, which is the greatest tragedy) are responsible for maintaining all emotional stability and must agree to suppress their natural spontaneity and expressiveness in order to provide an environment for the man which never seriously challenges his capacities. 7. If the woman fails to do this, the woman (and often her children) can and will be beaten or punished or shamed or abandoned and it will be HER fault because the underlying assumption is that SHE is capable of more and HE is not. Therefore... 8. Women are, naturally, (or so the belief goes) held to a higher ethical standard of behavior than men. The man in this model will not, I repeat, will NOT mature emotionally. The profound level of disrespect for the masculine inherent in this model is grossly overlooked. This last point cannot be over-stressed, so I am going to repeat it: The profound level of Disrespect for the masculine inherent in this model is grossly overlooked. Men in this model grow up to believe that respect is disrespect and disrespect is respect. Again: Men in this model grow up to believe that respect is disrespect and disrespect is respect. Yes. Thats right. Its backwards. These men may fly into rages if they are questioned or challenged about anything, regardless of the level of kindness with which the challenge was presented. These men are often not bad people. They are simply immature emotionally. But they will not, indeed cannot, mature emotionally enough to have the authentic intimacy and warmth they so deeply crave until they find the inner wherewithal to challenge the faulty assumptions with which they were raised. And since a core construct of the faulty assumptions with which they were raised is that they intrinsically lack inner wherewithal, challenging these faulty assumptions is incredibly difficult. Such a challenge often involves completely dismantling theego/identity structure and then rebuilding it in a healthy way. As such, it is deeply, almost inconceivably, shattering. Many will choose to maintain the illusory trappings of top-down power and petty tyranny rather than face the pain of utter disillusionment and will continue attempting to control others and believing they have no power to control their own reactions until they die. If you are a man and this description feels familiar to you, clearly you have some choices to make. If you are a woman who loves such a man, take a look at your role here. Are you giving him the profoundly disrespectful message that he is incapable in hopes of keeping a peace which feels like walking on eggshells or broken glass? When was the last time either of you felt fully alive? Or are you the woman who is challenging and dealing with an endless round of seemingly inexplicable explosions? How is that working for you? You have choices here. Just like he does. But you cannot make his choices for him. You can only make your own. Every action has a consequence. Capiche? Now, apply these same ideas to war and politics... Catch my drift? -MVA ~
Posted on: Thu, 31 Jul 2014 17:29:37 +0000
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