True despair comes from hope. The fact she is alive, and I know where; the fact I could just take a plane and meet her there.. . its haunting me.. I dont want to be a fool and fail that massively, wasting money on face-to-face rejection when I could use it for my education. But then again, enters hope. What if being there, in person, stirs something inside her.. churns the embers of a smouldering fire? WHAT IF. Despair comes from this simple question. What about when someone close to you dies? asks a friend, after I tell her about my loss, my depression, and how I cannot get over her... Well, the answer is simple.. Death is natural, part of life, I am at peace with it, I will embrace it, but.. KNOWING SHE IS ALIVE.. that is a completely different thing, DEATH is irrevocable, but LIFE is full of potential... so as long as she is alive, this HOPE, and thus this DESPERATION will haunt me forever. Because even if she does reject me, IF I FLY TO HER, I will always keep asking myself What if.. THIS TIME... At least my life has purpose as far as desire goes, a reason to be miserable, instead of empty, it is better to have this unrequited love than nothing at all, but that is certainly not the reason I am in this position, you see: I do not cling to this to avoid the void. I keep finding her memories behind every corner I run to, escaping emotion.. I search peace, I buy stuff, I quench my thirst, I use palliatives, things to give me satisfaction, fetishes, anything that could help me numb this vita, primordial force.. And so I run from it, trying to be a simple person in the middle of nowhere doing nothing of value... and yet.. behind every corner I go around, there she is: My Fate, My Destiny, My Will, My Soul. The object of my devotion and my own soul have long ago become one, and this physical separation is nothing but the purgatory of an ancient curse, a hex bestowed upon my kin, an ancestor fallen from grace.. or maybe just the sheer reminder of the price of love. For we are but one, and I will never be able to un-twine her from my thread, yet knowledge of the soul is not enough when all of my blood pumping human nature and will YEARN for her sight, her touch, her smell, her voice... I.. I am.. absolutely, utterly, at the sub-atomic level, forever entwined to her. And the question What If brings nausea with the speed of the turning wheels of a numb Universe which opens for brief moments of clarity for me to look into what COULD, the hint of shimmer of empathy in it to deliver me from this pain, this separation, this longing, eternal.
Posted on: Tue, 18 Mar 2014 04:39:09 +0000
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