Two weeks ago, I knew very little about Tennis. I knew it involved two people dressed in white (they have to dress in white due to sponsorship from Persil), a bad tempered umpire chap and high-tech, remote-controlled rackets that cost £20,000 each. However, due to someone at the BBC postponing Pointless for two weeks, I’ve had to endure two weeks of this most... er... “interesting” of sports. Here is then my expert guide to the 2013 men’s tennis final. Andy Murray is the big British hope. He was born in Croydon, but abducted by Scottish King Robert The Bruce just before the Battle Of Culloden Moor. Murray avoided slavery by entertaining the court with his skills with a tennis racket and ball and he later took up the game professionally. Should he ever win Wimbledon, Murray has sworn to use the money to buy a huge super weapon and use it in terrible vengeance against Robert The Bruce (who changed his name by deed poll to Alex Salmond) and the rest of the Scottish hoards. Murray used to have this habit of choking within sight of the finish line. However, in 2012, he entered the Olympics. As well as winning the Tennis (beating Roger Federer 6-0 6-0 6-0 in the final), he also won Gold Medals in the Archery, Pogo-jumping and Women’s Beach Volleyball. Since then Murray was won everything in sight, including the US Open, Canadian Open and Central African Republic Open (he won the latter after discovering the existence of the country from watching an instalment of Pointless). Murray has reached the final this year by beating some people whose names I can’t remember. Some of them played well; others were so good at whingeing that Alun Rossiter (winner of the 2012 Whingeing Gold Medal at the Olympics) would have been proud. Murray’s route to the final has been made easier by the elimination of Mr Roger Federer, Mr Rafael Nadal and Mr Serena Williams. His opponent in the final is Noah Jogwich from Poland (please note it’s a silent ‘W; some people put a D at the front of his surname but this is wrong). Jogwich is the second highest paid sportsman in Poland, behind Tomasz Gollob. He has won Wimbledon once before, after Nadal’s foot came off during the final. Nadal is very injury prone, and he now lost all his limbs while playing tennis. John Cleese is set to play Nadal in a film of his life, claiming the loss of his limbs is “just a flesh wound”. My prediction: Murray to beat Jogwich 0-6 0-6 7-6 7-6 16-14.
Posted on: Sun, 07 Jul 2013 08:51:23 +0000
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