Two years ago, the week after Chris Evans and I were engaged, I awoke in excruciating head to toe pain. I couldnt bathe or dress myself, I couldnt walk. The pain vexed my mind. Having worked in pain management, I wanted to be able to tell doctors something so I wouldnt be dismissed with pain pills and no treatment--I was stumped and in too much pain to research the symptoms. Off to ER I went and learned that an autoimmune disorder was attacking my body. Over the next weeks and months, the pain continued and so did medication trial and error. I was determined to walk down the aisle at my wedding, even though my daily pain ratings were at 8 or higher. Id waited too long, and endured too much to be molded by God for Chris and the enemy was not going to overcome me. I prayed without ceasing for God to heal and restore my body, but the daily and hourly pain continued - as did the different medication combinations. Medicine used for treating cancer, and steroids became my standard of care. Then came the weight gain, the whispers, and lastly the bold questions are you pregnant? Little did those folks know that cancer meds = no babies. My pain journey was littered with situations where I had to figure out how to cope as a woman born from an ancestry of women that endured pain I couldnt imagine, being a new wife, and beginning a new phase in my career. Wasnt new supposed to be pregnant with possibilities not challenges? I prayed more for Gods deliverance, but the pain continued. My new husband learned to bathe and dress me--picking me up and carrying me when I couldnt take a step. The shame and brokenness I felt, I only allowed myself to feel when Chris couldnt see me cry. I coped by masking my pain. I was a pro at pushing through the sharp and breathtaking stabs of pain. Friends said my love for high heel shoes finally got the best of me and now I was like every other woman and needed to wear flats. The whispers, speculation, and criticisms were the hardest part. People dont believe youre in pain when they cant see a reason for it, mask or no mask. No one knew that my immune system had hurt my body in such a way that my bones were becoming disfigured, eventually folks stopped asking about me because I looked fine and always said I was ok. Note: never stop there. When you know someones health has taken a turn, they are probably without the tongue to ask for help, or the mind to receive it. But dont you stop giving it. My faith in God has been tested in more ways than I can count. The same disbelief folks had when Chris and I married was the same disbelief they had about me now. I heard it all! Fake symptoms, guilting my husband to marry me, barren, I brought this on myself to get attention, got married and let myself go, God has humbled me from the vanity and arrogance of having a nice shape and sense of style, you name it-I heard it. Without realizing it, I began carrying the weight of those hurtful words and insensitivity as anger toward my body and God. I had to pray my way out of that bitterness and accept its just easier for some folks to remove Gods goodness from anything, than it is to trust His plans for good in everything. I refused to accept any of this experience believing acceptance gave the enemy victory. God, however, knew best. Hes taught me to wait on Him FULLY believing when there is no evidence He heard my prayer. I couldnt see it until now that Hes given me everything I prayed for even though my pain worsened. I had to figure out that my determination was blocking His divinity. Once I accepted this experience as His work in me, the pain has gradually left my body. I am not fully healed and face surgery to fix what medicine hasnt. Yet, I rejoice that I am restored. I almost missed His blessing because it didnt feel like what I thought it should. I share this glimpse of my journey not to shout my victory, God has charged me to let this experience empower someone else. Prayerfully, these words will reach another woman struggling to cope with chronic pain that has shoved their life into a space crowded with medication, never ending doctor appointments, fair weather friends, shame and guilt. You can still believe Gods promise, but its a choice to receive His help and turn down any determination of your own steam. I know Hell bring you to where He wants you to be. In the mighty name of Jesus, may restoration lead you to His light. You dont have to be defined by your experience, but you can be refined by God as you go through it.
Posted on: Mon, 19 May 2014 11:49:02 +0000