Understanding Emotional Trauma – some do’s and don’ts when you are at the scene One of the most difficult scenes that one can encounter is the severe emotional loss and distraughtness that we can see in another human being, whether they are a stranger, a loved one, a neighbor… Often in these moments we want to support them, but the pain and anguish makes us feel so helpless that we have no real idea as to how to approach the situation. This pain is almost tangible in the face of a trauma, and sometimes this person seems inconsolable in the moment… Understanding the emotional process in that moment of the trauma is key to assisting someone. The emotional pain is not isolated from the shock or sometimes horror of the event that just took place. It is a stage where this person is taking in all the emotional information that they can get hold of, in order to somehow create a different outcome than the one they are facing, obviously with little or no effect. Thus the sense of hopelessness in the situation is quite big, and considering the situation, this is quite understandable. What is important is that we do not attempt to fix things at this point in time. Dealing with the loss or trauma emotionally will only take place later. Thus we literally do support through acknowledgement. Acknowledgement in the moment of someone just going through a trauma means that certain things are not part of the conversation or consoling. • Do not tell this person that it is going to be ok, that actually just elicits the sense that you have no real idea of what they are going through. • Do not tell them that you know what this feels like, even if you have been in a similar situation, our feelings of sadness and distraughtness are so unique that you cannot understand what they are feeling, what is more, in that moment it is not about what you are feeling, it is about them! • Do not tell them that sometime in the future they will feel better, in the moment of trauma they cannot connect with that yet, and it might seem insensitive to the magnitude of their experience. • Do not keep checking how they are feeling; the fact that they might stop crying at some point is purely because they ran out of tears and energy. They do not feel better 10 minutes later, they might just be calmer. Also, anger, laughter, etc., as responses are normal under the shock of the situation, let them be these things if that is what comes out. Even if it is directed at you. • Do not tell them to calm down, their lives have just been hit by a tornado, there is nothing calm about it. You might then ask what is it that I can actually say or do if someone is this distraught. You might find the following actions or verbal processes quite helpful • Stay with their feeling. Do not turn away or disengage or create the sense that you want to put distance between you and them because of the pain they are communicating. They need to see you are ok with how hurt they are. Stay Present! • If they walk away from you or push away from you, follow them, they need to know you care enough to go after them, but, do not smother them, if you are unsure about this you can ask them if they need a bit of space. • It is ok to admit your powerlessness in the situation.. it makes it real! You can tell them “ I have no idea what to tell you, I am so sorry that this happened to you”. • You can focus on communicating basic logistics, they will probably not even remember what you said, but it can leave them with the sense that someone is taking control of at least the logistics. “ They are taking him to the hospital – can I drive you there?” “ They are now going to cut him out of the car” “When they have finished cleaning up they will come and explain things to you” “Is there anyone I can call for you” NB: If you offer to help then help… do not step in and then turn away when it becomes demanding. Then you are just letting them down, and life has just done that already. • If they are open to it, physical touch can be useful, such as holding a hand while they are crying. In general, the sense of being acknowledged is the most helpful and most important in the moment. They need to believe that you can see life has just thrown them something that seem insurmountable, because if you can see this it means that they are ok for feeling what they are feeling. Often the simplest questions are the best . ..”What can I do for you?” , “How do I help you?”, “Where do you need me now?”. You might have been in a situation that is as severe, and from that you might know that as human beings we do have the strength to get through it, that things will be better again. But then you will also recall that in the moment, you just needed to be distraught!
Posted on: Thu, 12 Sep 2013 14:29:04 +0000
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