Unlike Ellen Pompeo, I grew up with the innate desire to be someone other than myself. Pretending was a survival instinct. Acting gave me the ability to break from my shell and be someone I wasnt brave enough to be in my real life. I was a quiet, introverted, and afraid person - the last kid picked in gym kid. Thats why I was drawn to the craft. When I began acting professionally, the reward that came from doing it well warped my focus towards a desire for approval and attention. Look, they like me! They like me! Im finally paid attention to! It created a thirst and desperation that would begin to kill my spirit. I was the hot new kid in town for a brief moment. Who is this kid Have you seen this kid? The taste of being courted and desired began to make me afraid to fail and the neediness began to grow. The underbelly of the industry feeds on desperation and if your esteem is in your boot and you NEED it, it is a very disempowering experience. If you receive fame as an individual who is really only looking to be loved, the fame never quenches that thirst and celebrity becomes your Achilles heel. When I left acting for school, to complete my degree in 2002, it helped me regain my perspective. My reward was directly correlated to my hard work and study. I received exactly what I had earned. That felt awesome. That was not something that is promised to you as an actor. How hard you work is not a guarantee that you will work. Durning my time away, I got myself back and I was ready to come back to the field with a new perspective - not one of desperation but of the joy of the craft. Nonetheless, Deondray and I wrote a series, shot it, it got sold and low and behold, we became directors and TV producers. To my surprise I felt completely empowered and in control of my art and life behind the camera. Trust me, it is just as crazy if not more stressful, but there was the ability of having your hands on the steering wheel of your own life that is incomparable. Becoming a famous actor is a war of attrition, a career trajectory that takes patience, persistence, and time to wear down, and even more sacrifice to try to sustain and maintain. In the end Fame is fleeting. Actors (Artist) tend to be very sensitive and vulnerable souls which on one hand gives them the ability to be conduits to great art and performance but also makes them susceptible to abuse and disempowerment. As I became the confident person in real life that I could only be on camera or stage, I fulfilled that disconnect, that deep void, and my thirst was quenched. All that I have left now is the love of performance and I can chose to do it or not, without fear. I can be an actor without attachment and creating that option is liberating. I can totally understand Ellen Pompeos position, sometimes you have to find what empowers you and realize what doesnt. Its not about giving up, its about finding or taking back your spirit so that you can again enjoy what you may have once loved. - Q
Posted on: Fri, 12 Sep 2014 20:01:22 +0000
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