Update Thursday (11.20.14) 5:00am “In the silence of the heart God speaks. If you face God in prayer and silence, God will speak to you. Then you will know that you are nothing. It is only when you realize your nothingness, your emptiness, that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.” - Mother Teresa Middle of the night the feedings with Rylan can be the most peaceful times of my day. The whole world is silent except for the sounds of her happily finishing her bottle, then snuggling herself back to sleep. The house remains dark, the sun not yet visible. It is during this silence that I pray the loudest. A few tough decisions have been finalized over the past few days. Shelly has handled them well, even though I know the stress has taken its toll. We met with her advisers at school and we have decided that January is not the time to start back. Our new goal is August 2015. That will keep Shelly on pace to graduate next December, and considering all that she has been through, that is still an amazing timetable. She wants to go back now, but she does agree that she does not need to add any additional stress to her life right now. We need to get control of what we have first, then move forward. She is so driven, and so stubborn, this has not been an easy decision to come to. We began working with a counselor this week, and we both enjoyed it. Having some one else to talk with was welcomed relief. The stress that we feel is normal, we both know that, we are trying to do our best to navigate it in a healthy fashion. The hardest part is when the roles within our relationship get blurred. Our roles as husband and wife seem to have taken side step, and been replaced by caretaker and patient, by new dad and new mom. This frustrates us both at times. We had conversations all throughout the pregnancy about how we needed to take care of each other as husband and wife in order to be better fathers and mothers. We believe those roles start there, not the other way around. We are both leaning hard on God right now as we try to figure out what He is teaching us in this place. Shelly has really good days, and then tough days. I like to see that see is starting to process more emotions, but I worry she is just sad and cannot explain it. Maybe that is the man in me, I seem to always be able to attach my emotion to a source, but when she talks about just feeling sad and not sure why, I worry. I want so bad to fix things for her, but again, that is the man in me. This is the part I struggle with. This is where I am just supposed to hold her, love her, and listen. Not fix, Men are not wired that way. We want to fix everything. So its in this new place that I pray the most. I pray for understanding. I pray for patience. I pray for Shelly. God I love Shelly.
Posted on: Thu, 20 Nov 2014 10:21:55 +0000
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