VERBAL ABUSE In just about every marriage situation that I have counseled, there was at least SOME verbal abuse. Often, verbal abuse was the main reason for the failing of a marriage. Maybe there were issues that one would claim provoked him to become verbally abusive, but ultimately, his verbally abusive response killed his marriage. Communication is a an important part of marriage and just about every other kind of relationship imaginable. The marriages that are so blessed always have good communication factoring in. All these people saying they married “their best friend” really mean that the person they are married to loves them and enjoys being with them, and they know this because it is communicated somehow. Communication is a two-edged sword, though. Done right, communication grows love, respect and trust. Done wrong, communication is dreaded by the one on the receiving end of abusive speech. On the one hand, you have a married couple that cant wait to see each other at the end of the day. On the other hand, you have a married couple that cant stand to be around each other. Probably the worst case scenario for verbal abuse is a person who is ALREADY low self-esteem, already thinks very low of himself, and then he is verbally abused, and he hangs every word on a rack in his mind and goes back to it at times, sometimes too often, to reassure himself that he really is worthless and cannot do anything right. Trying, as a counselor, to reverse the effects of verbal abuse is not easy. In seminary, I met one of the sweetest ladies I had ever met in my life. She is one of those who can do anything. She cooks, is probably on the level of a professional seamstress, very smart, godly, …she was just a wonderful person. I know this because I saw her daily, and was with her four or five hours each day. At first, I was thinking she must know how good of a person she is. Everyone loved her, and was extremely talented, used often in her church for singing solos, and for teaching children. She was so gifted, how could she think any different of herself? It didn’t take long for me to see beyond that pretty smile and sweet spirit, with a sense of joy that eludes so many of us… she was a hurting woman. Since she was married, she wasn’t terribly willing to open up to me, but I think she arrived at a point where she was about to crack, and I was able to find out what was going on. Both her father and her husband were terribly abusive to her. The father saw her as the bumbling blonde that always knocked over the tea at the dinner table. The husband saw her as someone who he could easily manipulate because she already had a very low opinion of herself. She knew he was playing on her past abuse, and he abused her in the same way, with the words he said, the condescending and extremely critical speech. I know an awful lot of people who continuously need a “pat on the back” when they do something. She needed this, but I knew that if I really wanted to help her, I would have to change her opinion of herself When dealing with someone who has been verbally abused, one of the greatest accomplishments you can make is DESTROYING the credibility of the abuser. Let’s be honest.. none of us are perfect, but the abused is going to harp on the victim’s imperfections or what the abuser thinks is an imperfection. Think of it as a scale of justice, with the good and positive pitched into one pot and the bad and negative pitched into the other pot. Naturally, the victim feels the negative outweighs the positive (in the opinion of the abuser) and the reason is because, and you have to point this out, the abuser almost NEVER commends or praises the victim when he does good or right. The abuser pitches into only the negative pot, and never the positive pot. This renders the opinion of the abuser VOID. I tell the victims all the time, YOUR ABUSER’S OPINION CARRIES NO WEIGHT. Even if the negative things that the abuser says is true (they often are not), the fact that he does not pitch in positive comments and praises renders his opinion WORTHLESS. Don’t listen to the abuser. Don’t tag ANY weight onto his opinions and comments. Seek out those who love you and care about you, and believe them when they tell you the good qualities you have. Don’t listen to the abuser. They are not being fair and honest, push them away. Avoid them. The ending of that story about the woman at school, … I know the Lord worked this out. She took a class with me, “Pastoral Care and Counseling” and the teacher grouped us into threes. It was me, her, and a good man named Jerry who was a good man and good pastor. We were told to go to the cafeteria or library and open our hearts to each other, encourage each other. When the woman began sharing, she broke down and cried, and Jerry told her, “I don’t know WHO told you all these things, but they are dead WRONG. Everyone in this school who knows you thinks the world of you, and loves you…” and he and I both told her things about her,,,good things.THE TRUTH, .and then the tears stopped. Never again would she let someone abuse her. She knew her father and her husband were wrong, and she believed everyone else, that she was a godly woman who loved others more than herself. Now she knew… her father was wrong, and her husband were wrong for how they treated her. She knew the father took advantage of his authority over her, and her husband took advantage of the damage the father had done to her. To those who are abused, THROW OUT the opinions of the abuser. They love themselves and not you, or if they love you, they know not how to show it. Always remember your worth, that you are worth the Blood of the Son who was sent down to die for you. Never forget that. God loves, and there are a lot of people who do, too. Avoid those who want to hurt you with their words.
Posted on: Tue, 10 Sep 2013 17:09:55 +0000
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