Very few people know this about me. From 1989 to 2005 (we can go as far as 2007), my life was nothing short of shameful. I was a rebellious and out of control teenager. I did everything in my limited power to make the lives of those around me completely and totally miserable. I was selfish. VERY selfish. It was all about me no matter who else was part of the equation. I was pregnant and married at 16. Over the next several years, my selfishness didnt subside, regardless of having innocent little people depending on me. It was always about ME. I went through a nasty marriage. I was a horrible mom. My parents ended up adopting my 2 oldest boys because I just wasnt willing to put their needs above my own. I had 2 more boys. My marriage seemed to be improving. I thought I was a better mom to them. Things happened, my marriage dissolved and I bounced from boyfriend to boyfriend. My kids went to the wayside. I was more concerned about some guy loving me than my own kids. Selfish. My daughter was born. Shes always lived with her dads family. I bounced from place to place never having a real place for them, and not really caring because it was again, all about me. Starting in 2004 and into 2006, I was still a mom but never to the degree I should have been. I was a deadbeat mom. In that time frame, that State came in and took the boys out of the care of my ex. They were eventually adopted out. In late 2004, I met Josh. And in spite of what a mess my life was, he fell in love with me anyway. My world started taking some pretty big hits in 2008 with the death of my paternal grandfather. It collapsed with the death of my maternal grandfather. It burned with the death of my paternal grandmother. I knew that I needed to change. I needed to do something different. I knew that my family was ashamed of me. Took pity on me. Loved me only because they had to. When my maternal grandfather died, I knew that my life had to change in a huge way or I would never be rewarded with seeing him again. My missing link was God. I knew that God was my only answer to righting the wrongs I had delivered to my family and most importantly to my kids. With the help of God, I started rebuilding the world that had crumbled around my feet. I married a man who not only loved me, but supported me. Made me feel that I had finally made a right choice. In November of 2013, my son Donovan found his way back from his adoptive family to his biological one. He has yet to cease to amaze me. I am closer now to my family than I have ever been. I have a great relationship with Donovan and my daughter, Ryann. I can still be selfish, but it is no longer at the cost of my children. I will never win an award for my parenting. I will never be recognized for my devotion to them. But I have learned that God can and will do anything to make someone see the errors of their ways. I didnt know the turmoil my life was in. I had no idea that my relationships were coming with such a huge cost. I lost a lot of years focusing on me. On what I wanted. I missed out on how great my kids are. How smart, funny, thoughtful and amazing they are. I could never have done that without God. Loving Him first and foremost has made it clear how much love I lost by being a scum of a parent. My kids make me cry tears of joy when they love me even after everything I have done. They love me for me. And after so many years of being lost, so do I. I love my kids for who they are, what they aspire to be and everything in between. It took me a very long time, but I am there. My life still isnt perfect. It never will be. But at least now I know that. I am being the best mom I can be NOW.
Posted on: Thu, 15 Jan 2015 00:45:46 +0000
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