WARNING: Long, sappy status ahead. If that kind of thing annoys you, scroll on... Ive realized that Sean is as essential to my life as oxygen. When we are apart, its like Im holding my breath. Each and every moment, I long to be next to him, touching him. It may sound pathetic and sad to some, and some days I even feel that way myself, but I have never known what it was like to truly be alone. As a teenager, I was very independent, making my own way, taking responsibility for the direction of my own life, never feeling like I needed a boyfriend. My dad always met my emotional needs, so until I met a boy that my gut knew was The One, I was perfectly content flying solo. The day I met Sean, I just knew I would be with him forever, and I moved out of my parents house at 19 years old and in with Sean as his wife. I transfered all of the emotional responsibility from my dad to Sean, so I never developed complete independence. I didnt see the need. It was no longer me but us. I considered myself as being one with him, and from that point on I always identified myself as being his other half. I hardly remember what it was like to not be with him. This fact has created an overwhelming sense of sadness that is always in me, even when I am happy. How much I love my husband literally hurts. Yes, literally. Emotions can trigger stress that reflects in the body. There was a time when I didnt need him. Because you cant miss what you dont really know. But over 10 years of him being my best friend has shown me everything that this man is made of. He is not perfect, and yes, he has hurt me badly at times because there is no one I love more, but I know how much he loves me. Its insane how much he loves me and has held on through some seriously screwed up stuff. As difficult as its been for him, he has been constantly changing and growing in some way for my happiness since we got married. I havent always treated him right. I havent always been very appreciative of his strong points or the things he has done for me because Im a perfectionist who sees everything as having the potential to be better. Including him. When I married him, I wasnt marrying the young man he was at the time, but the man I knew he was capable of being in the future. I knew I wouldnt always be 19. I knew we would one day have kids. I knew my needs and desires would evolve. And I know that I acted wrongly in some ways out of ignorance, but part of me is glad for looking deeper than the surface and seeing ahead because he is who I always wanted. He is a man on a mission to be the best he can be in all aspects. In several ways, Sean seemed like an airhead the first couple years of our marriage because he was ignorant of a lot when it came to responsibility, marriage and parenting (more than I was anyway) but I had and still do have high standards. I would have never married someone that I didnt believe in my gut to be an incredible catch. I had too much self respect to settle for a mediocre man. He is by no means mediocre. He is extraordinary. He has taught ME some amazing things since then, like how to dream and believe in myself again. He has shown me how to kick my limitations to the curb. He has taught me how to laugh in the midst of a storm and how to stay calm and look for the flicker of light in the darkness. Im still working on that one but it gets easier every day. When I push his buttons and act like a jerk, he pushes back. He calls me out. He tells me the truth. He challenges me with my own words. I appreciate that. I am hard headed, stubborn, and tough as nails when I can control things, but when I cant, I am weak. When I am forced to be patient and reach out for help, he is there to strengthen me and take care of me. He soothes me to sleep with a back rub every single night and caters to my every need as best as he can. He commands our children to respect me, and he shows them how much he cherishes me with his actions when they are watching. He sacrifices income if need be to come home from work and help me if Im too weak to manage on my own. He always finds a way to provide for all our needs and actively works toward achieving all our desires. He never settled for what we have because he believes he can provide even more. He speaks out of love to me, even when Im acting unloveable or he doesnt understand me at all. He is not perfect, but he doesnt have to be. Hes just what I need to balance me out and make me the best I can be. He is mine, my best friend and companion. He could go anywhere, and yet he stays right here. I am so thankful that he says Im worth the challenge and chooses to love me every day. Thank you, Sean, for being you. Im sorry I dont say it nearly enough, baby. I want everyone to know how special you are to me.
Posted on: Wed, 22 Oct 2014 16:17:36 +0000
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