WARNING: This is going to be long and deep so if you are just a casual observer you may want to this this one…..This is not an apology, an excuse, or a cry for sympathy. It is an honest look at where I am today and what I am thinking about tomorrow. World Championships Course- This course was not joke. It was the biggest challenge I have faced to date. With a healthy body I would have hoped to finish in 6.5-7hrs. I will take the time to do a proper course review at a later date, but you should all know that to date there is not currently another race on this level and if you weren’t here you will never understand. My race- My race started out very well. I was pacing back and forth with Jacob Bosecker (Fist pump for Spartan BRO Team) for the first several miles. We were together through the Tarzan Swing (which we both failed) and through a part of the back woods. I felt great and felt like my body was showing the appropriate signs of being ready.Then it happened, an innocent step later became a catastrophe. It was so small and menial at the time that I barely remember it except for the small wince I gave. I planted unevenly with my right foot in a wooded run with roots. The results were that my ankle gave and my shin got closer to my foot than what my flexibility condones (I think that is hypo extension). I had done something similar in my race at Virginia but not nearly as extreme. It was only mildly sore and I felt like it was affecting my ability to extend my foot and push off before I hit the recovery part of my stride. I could feel my shin muscles getting tired quickly. For the next 1-2 miles the only thing that was impacted was my pace. Bill Brumbach(Another fist pump for the BRO Team) caught up with me and we hung together for a short while. Then we hit the double tractor (I was running Elite) pull. That was the beginning of the end. I could not plant or push with my right ankle. As a result I had to take step and then bicep curl the chains to move them. At that point I knew I was hurt and it was going to be a battle to just finish. Every other step was uncomfortable/painful. I could only plant my right foot in the flat position. Uphills were painful. I could shuffle on the flats. While the physical pain was enough, the mental and emotional pain of knowing that I wouldn’t hit my race goals and that I was going to be a second year failure on the Ultra Beast beat me up over the next miles. At one point I swore off racing. After all how could I be so selfish to cause a financial hardship from injury to my family over a hobby? How could I justify not being able to play and pick up my kiddo when I got back due to a selfish injury? I wasn’t sure my heart was in finding my limits. Maybe I found my limits. That is a devastating feeling to think that this is the most I can hope for. I have never considered myself “elite” in the stance that I can podium, but I did feel as though I was capable of being middle of the pack with amazing athletes. I’m sure that of those that finished in my heat, I was in the bottom 10%. Maybe I am kidding myself that I belong here and should be happy with just a finish.Then I thought about my upcoming race schedule. Next weekend Chicago Super: HH12HR and Sprint. No way I will be recovered by that. Even healthy, I now have serious doubts that I am on that level. My mind is too weak even consider this. I think of the challenges that Amanda Sullivan and similar athletes face every day. I have no doubt that she could rock a HH12HR. And now I feel as though I don’t have that mental toughness to even try. The following weekend Ohio Trifecta: All day Trifecta. Yes it is true that Vermont is on a whole different level, but I was put in survival mode pretty early and it broke me. How can I plan to take on more than 26 miles knowing that an injury is likely to pop up? If I’m going to relegate my expectations to being just good, then why take on something big like this? Then in November is World’s Toughest Mudder. This was suppose to be the pinnacle of my racing season this year. I was humbled and destroyed after 8 hours, how will I survive 24 hours? All of a sudden my excitement has turned to fear. I feel like I”m spending a large amount of time training and money to do the race only to return feeling like I do right now. I have major doubts that I both physically and mentally ready for this. For those of you that have made it this far: My friends are going to want to be encouraging and talk about my achievements and all the seemingly epic things I have done. I LOVE EVERYONE OF YOU FOR THAT. I know its not lip service but right now I’m now about to process those thoughts correctly. Right now i feel like a fraud. I talk the talk and was unable to walk the walk. Not only that, I’m not sure I even want to. So I apologize to all of you that want to express your love by trying to reassure or motivate me. Your words aren’t falling on def ears, there is just a disconnect from my ears to my brain. At this current moment I feel like a fraud. Ive pumped my chest and took pride when I said I would complete these feats. Now I feel like my training and dedication has been a facade. Do I have what it takes to go from talk to action? To those of you that have been inspired by my boot camps and my adventures: I am sorry that I feel compelled to write all this. I wouldn’t accept this from you and I know you won’t accept this from me. I am sorry that I let you down. That mountain still has a part of my soul and I’m searching to find it again. I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m asking for time to heal. Well that was long but I hope it was insightful. I am still here in Vermont for a few days with project 431. Hopefully I can find what I’m searching for, get good news from the Dr, and start down a path that I ready for. In the end, the physical sucks, but Im having a harder time finding answers for the other scars that I have from the weekend. #soulsearching Until then, all I say is AROO!!!!
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 14:51:35 +0000
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