WEEK 10 POWER RANKINGS Newday may have finally convinced everyone that they are for real, as they have been tearing up the rest of the league, but they want to be careful. If they somehow reach the championship round, they will not be able to improve their team for next year by adding talent from within the league; their only recourse will be to find some poor sap – via what we call the Rooney rule - so Ezzy can “join his team”, along with 16 other players, the uniforms and a shortened version of the team name. Which, ironically, is pretty much what Elie Manns Subaba jersey already says. 1. NJAIM (13-2): The Houston Astros’ internal front office discussions were leaked this week, allowing outsiders the rare opportunity to see the ridiculous trade offers and demands they have had over the last year, including this cryptic one: Spoke to JS about possible merge, name change to NJ Astros in Medicine. He called us a bunch of really nasty names, then tried blaming it on someone else, saying he had mistakenly forwarded an email from his league commissioner regarding rainouts. Then he rejected our deal, claiming he only deals with major league caliber teams. 2. BUBBA’S (9-4): Sometimes it’s really hard to come up with lines for every team. Other weeks it’s much easier, such as this week’s line for Bubba’s. It gently floated down ready-made from heaven into my lap. Unfortunately, as is the family tradition, it was dropped. 3. NEWDAY (11-3): Become instant contenders as Marv gives them a “5 tool superstar”, although since he plays for Major Energy as well, he only halfway belongs to Newday. Big deal, thinks Ushy, I’ve had to deal 2½ tools on my team all season long and see how far that’s gotten me. 4. WESTROCK (7-6): Team is accused of tanking in order to set up an “easy” playoff matchup with Newday. In response, an offended Steve has every player from his teams the last two years call the commissioners to state unequivocally that he would never lose a game on purpose. Almost exploding from the sheer number of phone calls and in actual physical pain, Sam’s cell phone calls Steve by itself to apologize. 5. MEROCKDIM (6-7-1): If you happen to pass by one of their games and notice that everyone is wearing matching “Robinson 24” jerseys, it does NOT mean that the league has decided to imitate Major League Baseball and honor one of the game’s most famous pioneers for civil rights by having everyone wear his uniform for a game (albeit dyslexically, in typical Marv fashion); it’s just that once again, Effy’s team has failed to show up and all of Shmuel Ber’s kids have been pressed into service. 6. MAJOR ENERGY (5-8): Representatives from a major Tzedaka organization are seen in Camp Merockdim this week. Allegedly they are there to tell the campers of this summer’s new campaign, but in reality they are consulting with Effy for tips on how to convince a team to not show up for a game and therefore have to forfeit, invaluable information they plan on passing on to Mike Chasen. (They are then seen speaking to the members of the Capparrazo Family Cr- er, Sanitation Business, “just in case” their convincing isn’t enough.) 7. SUBABA (6-8): As the clock struck midnight on July 1st, the illegal cleats fell off, the coach turned into a pumpkin (stupid sunburn), and the team’s Cinderella ride from earlier in the season abruptly ended. (Checks their remaining schedule…) Okay, maybe not. Thank you evil stepcommissioner Marv. 8. VALUCLEAN (5-9-1): Azi Wolf pitches a great game, leading to speculation that maybe he should be the starter. Of course, we don’t want to throw a spark of controversy into this flammable team, so we will, uh, suspend judgement on the matter. 9. EVERGREEN (6-8): Have been utterly shut down this season by the pitching of Azi Wolf (2 runs) and David Samet (zero), meaning one of two things: Either their former players really, really want revenge for not letting them pitch last year, or their organizational philosophy of “Hey, if we have pitching, we don’t need anything else, right?” is a bit flawed and maybe they shouldn’t have left their best two hitters leave the team. 10. ROCKLAND’S WC (5-7-1): Brought out their entire cheerleading squad to watch their games this week, leading an outraged David Sobel to fume about the lack of tznius and declare that he would rather forfeit than play a real game under such conditions. 11. CHEFMAN (0-11-1): Australia gets absolutely destroyed in all three of their World Cup matches; they ask Pinny Kahana to play in their next game (for either team) so at least they’re assured of a draw. Pinny Kahana Mordy Kahana Pace Sorscher Ben Friedman Shragi Lazarus Nesanel Moeller Aron Schwartz Mendy-Aviva Halpert Levi Blachman Avi n Mazal Stern Mo Stern Jason Kay Jason Shatkin Nesanel Benjamin Jerry Frenkel Menachem Reiser Eli Gilden Shmulie Sontag Abraham Schwartz Josh I. Reiser John Reiser Estee Rosenberg Reiser Azi Wolf Chaim Heinemann AJ Shatkin Moshe Braun Yitzi Wainhaus Josh Silverberg Daniel Ozeri Moshe Moeller
Posted on: Thu, 03 Jul 2014 01:41:52 +0000
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