WHAT THINGS DO YOU REALLY WANT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? By Katie & Gay Not Knowing The Answer To This Critical Question Is Keeping You Unhappy Do you know what you really want out of your relationship? Do you know what you really want out of your career, your family life, your friendship circle, and your day-to-day activities? If youre like a lot of people, you dont. You operate on autopilot, or you bow to the desires of those around you. Youve lost touch with what you want because youre always thinking of other people. In fact, the question probably makes you quite uncomfortable. You may panic, or feel an emptiness or sadness. And you might start trying to analyze whats going on for you - how come you dont know what will make you happy or what you need to do to be happy? Gays life did a complete turnaround when he stopped thinking his way through problems and asked himself this critical question: What do I want? This one question forces you to get really clear on what makes you happy, and it focuses your efforts so you can do what it takes to have what you want. Its an anchor you can come back to. When Gay confronted this question, he realized he had been avoiding it all his life. Instead, he had been making choices based on what his caretakers wanted, or what he thought he needed to do to make other people happy. As a result, he was miserable - unfulfilled romantically and in his career. He kept going from one unsuitable relationship to another, and his work was just that -- work, not a manifestation of his creative potential. But once he decided to live by the question, What do I really want? he was able to make decisions that supported his true vision for himself. As a result, he attracted the relationship he really wanted (with Katie) and developed his own perfect mix of counseling patients, leading seminars, and writing, writing, writing. Likewise, his marriage became what it is today because Gay and Katie asked themselves what they both really wanted out of their relationship. Heres what they came up with. Our Framework For Blissful Love and Harmony Early on in our marriage, we decided to do a fun experiment: we wanted to see if we could create a relationship that ran entirely on positive energy. Without an action plan, that goal would have just been a fanciful desire. We knew where we wanted to go in our relationship (abundant positive energy), but we also knew that we needed to drill down and create more specific wants that would get us to that destination. Here they are: Commitment We knew that making the right commitments is essential to creating genuine, lasting love, and we wanted to be mutually, fully committed to making our relationship a priority. Knowing we were both in it for the long haul would allow us to relax into the relationship so that it became our home. In the process, we also discovered we had certain unconscious commitments - for instance, Katie grew up in a critical household and was pre-programmed to feel criticized by Gay. And Gay had an unconscious commitment to protect him from getting too close to someone. Once we identified these and dissolved them, we were better able to commit to what really counted - a genuine, and lasting relationship. In our work with couples, weve found that most relationship issues can be nailed down to unconscious commitments. Honesty Both of us wanted to know exactly what the other was feeling - without criticism. This gave us the safety to express ourselves, knowing we would never be judged by the other. This meant we knew it was safe to explore and express whatever was going on - be it frustration, money issues, even feelings of attraction for other people. Sure, we knew these topics might cause some tension, but we also knew that NOT bringing them up was the truly destructive option - and that was not an option for us. Put an End to Blame and Criticism Speaking of criticism, we wanted it out of our lives. Did you know that the most common complaint people have after the end of a relationship is that they felt criticized rather than appreciated? Early on, we noticed that what we thought was harmless bickering was actually a subtle form of criticism and blame, and we knew that it would gradually kill our connection. Thats when we came up with our no blame, zero criticism diet. And we havent uttered a single word of blame or criticism since. Creative Expression We both wanted to feel completely fulfilled in our individual selves, knowing that this was critical to the success of our relationship. You dont have to give up parts of yourselves to be fully connected to someone else - on the contrary. When youre fully able to creatively express yourself - whether its dancing, having your own business, being part of a book club, or even just taking 10 minutes a day to revel in a warm tub - youre more likely to feel fulfilled in your relationship, too. So, What Do You Want? After over 30 years of marriage and working with thousands of couples, we know that answering this question is fundamental to making your relationship dreams come true. But its only the first step. Without action, desires are just that. When you dont have an action plan, you end up feeling frustrated, hopeless, and wondering if youre missing out. Because you are. Thats why we hope youll allow us to share with you all the wisdom, strategies, and practical how-tos that have made our relationship what it is today - and that have helped thousands of couples experience the kind of love and connection they thought only happened to other people. You can create your dream relationship by not just working on it, but making it an adventure youll look forward to every single day.
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 08:03:06 +0000
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