WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU ARE THE FAMILY SCAPEGOAT Its All Your Fault! Scapegoats in families are attention diverters, bridge builders, garbage pails and punching bags. People can avoid looking at their own problems by pointing a finger at the scapegoat. Family members can feel close and bonded as they gossip about the scapegoat and they can release their pent up frustration by making everything the scapegoats fault. The world can be an unfair and overwhelming place but the scapegoat makes coping easier because no matter how disheartened and defeated a family member feels, they know they can always give the scapegoat a good kick to feel better. You Know You Are A Scapegoat When: Your achievements are always minimized and the accomplishments of the other family members are always elevated. There are different rules for different people. When you achieve something you will hear statements like, Well it took you long enough didnt it?, followed by a snickering laugh. But someone else in the family will get a party for passing a test and even for failing a test because at least they tried. But no one cheers for you no matter what you do. Your pain is minimized. Again there are different rules for different people. When you get hit about and/or verbally attacked it is somehow okay. Its normalized. But heaven forbid the bully hurts them in the same way, no thats different. You know you are a scapegoat when the family members criticize you for questioning your punching bag status. Some will even lecture you, you should focus on the positive. You are used as a sounding board. People will delight in telling you their sad story and will go into great detail. They will also talk about the sad plight of the people in the family who torment you. Sometimes they complain to you about other family members too. The reason family members confide and complain to you is because they see you are a safe confidante. After all, who are you going to tell and whod believe you if you did and theyd just deny it anyway. But if you dare bring up your experiences they will turn cold and say, people shouldnt use the past as an excuse for the present or stop dwelling in the past, or he or she isnt like that. Family members will always invalidate your experiences and feelings because what you feel does not matter. You are to be used not heard. Family members will use you as their snow ball in a snow ball fight. It is common for family members to also take snipes at each other and it is typical for the more aggressive members of the family to bully other family members, not just the scapegoat. So people in the family will actively get the aggressive person to turn their negative attention towards you by symbolically throwing you(the snow ball) at the bullying family member. They will bring up your past mistakes or perceived mistakes or will make up a story about you to get the bully mad at you instead of them. They actively use you to divert negative attention away from themselves, look what scapegoat did! Family members will expect you to help out whenever one of their own is having a problem. They will call you and expect help because, its your job to help. But dont expect them to help you and if they do help it is at a great cost to you. They will keep their helping on record to throw in your face time and time again. Their help ends up being just another way to hurt you; its a double-edged sword. But they expect you to be endlessly giving, come on, chop, chop!, because that is one of your jobs, to act as servant. Everything you hold dear and love, the family members will criticize. They will criticize your dog, looks like he has dandruff. They will make nasty comments about your spouse, hes not a big man is he? or it looks like hes gained some weight. If you have kids, they will either make deragatory comments about them, she has a fat nose like her father, or they will try to turn the kids against you. When you are at a family function, you will always feel like the outsider because that is what you are; you are not on their team but you are something they use like a toilet brush. If the family members invite other guests and friends you will notice that the other people will look at you strangely. You dont know them but its obvious that theyve heard a lot about you. Someone might even pipe up, so this is the one. The guests will be drawn into the scapegoating game too because weak people like that feeling of cohesion and safety. They dont have to feel insecure because they know that you, the scapegoat, will take the brunt of all the aggression and that lets them off the hook. Your mistakes are always overblown and exaggerated while other people in the family are let off easy. If you stole a candy bar when you were five, the story will be told over and over again but the family member who was arrested for drunk driving will get a pat on the back and no one will bring up that story. And family members will even make up stuff about you and will tell and re-tell these lies and will even try to bully you into believing them, Yes you did trip that old lady, you just dont remember. When the scapegoat leaves, the family will grumble and complain about them but this sort of venting will not be enough and the family will begin to feel pressure as they turn on each other. There will be more fighting between family members because they will be forced to deal with problems head-on instead tossing them at the scapegoat. As the pressure builds, family members will try to get the old scapegoat back and will even act nice to lure them back. But the scapegoat must never be fooled by this show of kindness because it is not sincere. The family scapegoat must never go back because the patterns of blaming and attacking and dismissing and invalidating will never stop. - SandCastles, hubpages ~DC
Posted on: Sat, 30 Nov 2013 18:43:58 +0000
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