WOW! In the process of clearing out a lot of junk to help the computer run better I came across a series of Emails between one of my exes and my kids. Even my biggest detractors would find the nastiness, the lies, and the unfair judgements to be harsh and uncalled for. It filled in so many blank spots and questions I have had about what the hell was going on when it was going on. It explains so much about the way things have gone over the past two years. The good side is I walked away from it all realizing that all the Jungian Individuation work I have been doing all this time has paid of very well. I am so content to be where I am at as opposed to the illness of those who wrote the words I was reading. Not only do I see that the folks really dont know me at all, but that in spite of the stream of insult and self justifications, they are somewhat jealous, and I guess saddened that I havent dropped dead as a result of what they see as my life. I am so happy to be me, and that I have put in all the hours I have in self discovery needed to overcome the illness that has cast a shadow over my life. There is nothing I can do to help these folk, they would need to do their own self discoveries, 4th and 5th steps etc etc in order to just scratch the surface. (Not that it matters anyway as the world has turned around quite a few times since my estrangement from them) I pray they find SOME peace beyond the superficial distraction and material escapism that helps them cope in that dysfunctional world. Here I am, looking forward to Christmas, making plans for new projects that include a chance to move to California, writing a number of pieces that I am most enthused by, surrounded by people who are supportive and appreciative of my company and creativity, and now I m able to let go of so much of the past with its resentments and regrets! It is two in the morning and I feel so good Im not caring about the hour. I have come such a long way in this journey, and have so many wonderful experiences and accomplishments that I can now feel proud of. (Yes, the critical views of thpse ghosts of the past were stopping me from fully appreciating where I am at today) I can forgive the cruelty of those that tried to stand on my body to feel a little taller to thump their chests because now I have in front of me the truth of the matter. I AM NOT what they wanted me (and others) to believe I am, and Im feeling really good. Neither the giant of my dreams, nor the dwarf of my fears. Not the ogre or hopelessly dysfunctional human. On the contrary, from reading these private thoughts of their it seems Im a picture of mental and social health! (Gives you an idea of how screwed up their thinking had been) Matter of face I could care less about their opinions or rejedtions for the first time in years and it feels great!!!! My sponsors, my doctors, my friends were right, Im not such a bad sort after all. I feel really good just now. (when I first started reading this treasure trove of information I was hesitant--fearing Id only find more to dislike in me from the eyes of others) I am so grateful for this gift. Its Christmas/Channukah and Thanksgiving all rolled into one, and the God of my understanding has graced me with really nice stocking stuffers! I know, I rarely have written about my personal life here, but this is such a charge! And for my friends who are also trudging the road of happy destiny all I can say is You were right!. It does get better. Sort of like Bill Ws room filled with white light except that this time it is mine! Wow. I mean, WOW! Now onward with the rest of my life! And for my current friends, THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! To the God of my Spiritual journey: Thank you! What a wondrous moment you have brought me to! No drink, no drug, no role has ever felt this good! Hey kids, Dad still loves you, and he actually likes himself tonight...this morning....Wow!
Posted on: Sun, 24 Nov 2013 07:20:39 +0000
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