WOW!!! My 1st night back in MY house!! Kinda a good thing I guess. Really just kind of been putting it off I think. Yes I m a horrible person!! Fred died the end of April and by the 1st of July I was living with Gene Wingo. Not the smartest thing I have ever done but far from the dumbest too. I think Gene and I both had other ideas on how this was gonna turn out.Well maybe Gene did, I went into it thinking o this will b fun for a month or 2, 6 at the most. Never dreamed it was last 2 years.So many of the reasons I jumped head first into something my head thought I wanted but my gut kept telling me no about was to keep from facing so many things I now have to face. I think part of the reason I have not ever been able to get past Fred was because I never took the time to mourn his loss. Maybe I thought if I did not deal with it jf I did not face it then he was just gone not dead. While in the past 2 years I have spent a night or 2 over here and I have come over for short visits I have never thought of it as home since I left. Well now it is home again. I was busy and over whelmed with things that first month after Fred past away that i did not take the time to set back and grasp what was really going on.Tonight as I was un- packing and putting stuff away in what was once "our" room in "our" home a lot of things hit me and hit me pretty damn hard!!! All I can say is thank God Becky Martin and Angel Skittles Carpenter were both here with me tonight. We did a lot of talking and laughing but now everyone is n bed and since I have done nothing much more then sleep the past 2 days because of this stupid bladder infection I m up and wide awake!! Alone and shut in my room I can almost smell him is after shave. (Old Spice and Stetson) he loved them both. I kind of wish there was away to make all the memories of him and us go away!! Becky and Chris Knight are still here for now but they have found a place so they will not b here much longer. So then it will b just me and Terry Jones Angel says she is gonna stay and I hope she does but who knows what will happen with her. I have to learn to live "MY" life my own on my own!! Not real sure I know how to do that!! This hurts! This is hard! This is very scarey!! I have NEVER!!!! liked to b alone and I have found myself in some pretty messed up situations because of that fact more then once! This last one with Gene was not so bad. He is a good guy we r just to different is all. We both want other things.We r still friends and we will remain that way. That does not change the fact I m still alone! My biggest fear is dieing alone being dead for 2 or 3 days before anyone ever notices me not being around!! I can b a bit@# for sure but I have a lot of love to give and I NEED to be and feel loved!! I want to enjoy life. My kids r grown I own my home and I m self supporting! I have everything I need except some one to hold me and love me someone to share my life with.If u have no one to share it with then it is not worth having. I just do not want to b alone. I meed to know I m gonna b alright. I need to know I can do this that I am strong enough to face this world alone. Oh well enough rambling need to get some more un-packing done.
Posted on: Tue, 10 Sep 2013 09:07:57 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015