Warning: This is NOT the icy bucket challenge. Its another type of bucket...A barrel, of sorts. Not that easy to lift over ones head. Oh, how I wish it were... Ive been hiding a secret for years. Ive been living a facade of sorts. The smile belies something else. Its always there - lurking, resting, pacified for now. Im sorry for not stating the truth sooner. I have held back from being known, truly known. And yet, conversely, I have applauded, encouraged, supported, counseled, and admired others, but always removed myself from it. Never admitting. Never speaking publicly. Never fully owning up to IT. So, here it is; its time: There was a period in my life when I simply couldnt stand my life. I simply didnt want to be in it. I simply could not see anything but self-pity, self-loathing and self reproach. Insomnia ruled. Fear abounded. Negativity ruled supreme. Depression had me in its manacled throes. It started with my pregnancy post-partum; it fed itself on Timothys diagnosis; it grew with his many illnesses; it thrived on my stage 4 cancer; it chortled when I was given 48 hours to live; it loved exponentially when our restaurant burned down - our only source of livelihood; it was elated when my business, Scarborough Athletic Club, failed; it thought it was funny when, with three Masters degrees, I worked as a waitress and endured an abusive, drunk boss simply because we were so broke; it said jolly good as family matters went askew; it rejoiced as I sank deeper and deeper into it; and, it clapped its hands in utter glee when I considered what it would be like...To not be here. To just go to sleep and never wake again. To eradicate the pain of always fighting IT. To relinquish to it. To just let go. The utter exhaustion of the constant scraping, scrapping, scrounging to try to FEEL better. To FEEL joy. To FEEL confident. To FEEL peace. I remember walking the beach for two years repeating over and over the litany of... Confidence. Serenity. Joy. Begging for this. Yearning for something other than the desperation and quiet roar of feeling so less than. Yet, despite, and throughout, I was, and am, Herculean strong. I am exceptionally loyal. I am exceedingly resilient. I am most kind. I say these things matter of factly; not with ego. It is because of these known traits that I held on. My life boat was my beloved boy. My mythical, real-life hero. He was the David to my Goliath - the IT. The reason for my staying. For thriving. For finding my way to living with confidence, feeling that serenity, and having that joy. There was a time when I only lived with depression. But now I live. I live my best life now. With my boy. With my family. I am still here. I still have IT, but take a sharp stick to IT every time I play tennis, every time I run, every time I work out. Sweat, sweet sweat, eliminated that constant desperation. Thus, RIP, Chris Angell, Keith Sleeper, Christine Rice, Robin Williams, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and all those others who gave up the scraping... And for those who are there, now, at the bottom of that ubiquitous barrel, clawing, scratching, seeing only the dark... Please, oh, please look for the barest glimmer of light. Its there. Follow it. No matter how long it takes. Life has light. Light is life. Find it. Please.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 16:58:19 +0000
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