Was I ever truly over him? At one time I was sure that the answer was yes. But if seeing him again- and merely touching his hand- could peel back so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with? I’m lonely, and I am hurt. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling invisible. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of shutting everyone out. I’m tired of never being good enough. I’m shaking, gasping for breath, and I’m absolutely terrified. Waiting for that moment, the one that comes every time. The one where you detach yourself and leave me alone once again. I’m so sick of all of this, of feeling like I have nowhere to go. My last resort fell through. And just like always, I’m alone. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding was always enough, but it isn’t. Suddenly, all I can think about are all the things I don’t know about him. All the things I never had time to learn. I don’t know if his feet are ticklish or how long his toes are. I don’t know what nightmares he had as a child. I don’t know which stars are his favorites, what shapes he sees in the clouds. I don’t know what he is truly afraid of or what memories he holds closest. Basically, I wish that you loved me. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you’d be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn’t eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep. It’s not the way I’m meant to be, it’s just the way the operation made me. And you can tell from the state of my room, that they let me out to soon and the pills that I ate came a couple years to late and I’ve got some issues to work through….
Posted on: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 11:01:52 +0000
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