We are at the end of October..... ... As I can remember, the month of October used to be cozy Autumn, with a dash of chill in the breeze in the evenings, when I used to walk home after the office, and one had to wrap on with at least a thin pullover in the wee hours of morning. I remember, the year I purchased my HD TV, and took a TataSky HD connection just after the Durga Puja, the Star Movie HD was making telecasting the famous Hollywood movie The Haunt for Red October, to celebrate the October season. The names quietly matched. I enjoyed the movie for many reasons. Firstly, October used to be the finest month of the year involving the festivity. I was enjoying my possessiveness about the Sony Bravia, with its 1080p HD resolution, and first time ever watching the picture quality on the HD transmission over satellite DTH. The picture was clear like you can see the wrinkles over the water. The sound quality too was outstanding, as MPEG4 carrier was embedded with high quality surround sound, which was reverberating in the 5+1 surround Home theatre with 1000 watt PMPO, with a large matured wood woofer. The voice of Sean Connery in the movie was sounding like roar of thunder. Contrary to the guess of anyone, the Red October was not about any romance, but it was a Soviet Nuclear Submarine, which under the command of Sean Connery wanted to defect to US during the era of cold war. I loved watching war movies, even now never miss a chance. Long gone are the days. There is every ingredient intact, but there is no zeal. Life has changed, and going through a full circle. And whatever charms remained as the leftovers have just got finished in the most ruthless manner. This year has been specifically very inauspicious, though I never believed in such concepts. Our year usually starts in April, like a business year. The effect, influence, schedules etc of our job were rooted so much deep into a person like me, I would say my years started as financial years rather than calender year. Once upon a time a senior officer of our company was talking, whom I wanted to emulate in my life very much when I was young. He said, the person who are not emotionally attached to their jobs cant be serious workers ever. I heard. I was impressed. I went one step ahead, by making the job as my passion. So it happened, as expected. He had few heart attacks before settling down to a cooler temperament, currently working as a DGM. And I am crashing and falling down from those passions in a very bad manner. I will not name him, but he will certainly come to know if he reads my post. Wish I dont have a heart attack, but I guess I am heading for a bigger one than him. The whole of April was spent in preparing and publishing the financial statements of business and related activities. The next thing I had in my schedule was to get into promotional exams preparations, a test which I had marginally failed to qualify in the final list in the year previous. But I had really no mood. I was trying to emulate a friend from Boroda, who had smiled at me last year looking at my seriousness. He had told, the experiences of 25 years will automatically help us in doing good in exam. I couldnt relax, remained tensed. He went as topper, and I was left out. I tried my best to steer my passion towards the exams, but was seriously failing. Office was badly obstructing. People at all fronts were not cooperative. Somehow I made it under control only by the second week of May. Hardly I had invested a few days, I went little sick, and I had no opportunity to make a complete drill over the complete syllabus, time flew away. We were prepared to face the exams on 8th June. The rest of June was spent again in the similar routine. I went through in the written, though not securing very good marks, I was selected to appear interview in the July. The tensions continued, and the uncertainty too continued. I never slept a night before 2 am till 26 June, we faced it at Mumbai. Coming back from there, the life was still horrible. The results were expected amidst numerous apprehensions for many reasons. So life was tormented and jobs were neglected. Until on 7th July, when the final result was out. And I was there. The whole of July till mid of the August was the tension at the peak. Some one at the top with a funny rationality wanted to turn all the fast track credibility to punishment track business. From the day one, I met him at Bhubaneswar for the first time, somehow I had that apprehension in mind, that this man, however good he sounds will not prove any good for me. He had an air of non compromising and stubborn adamantness and an ado of ego, which was clearly showing up. The people at my end were also some kind of Great Drammabaaj, who were sounding to be my out and out wellwishers with an expertise of great and most efficient pretensions. I was reading them all right, but there was nothing I had in my limits to do really. It was only on August 12, I had the first communication that I had been chosen to be posted at Mumbai in a short and shocking sms communication. It was falling like a bolt on my head, and my first spontaneous feeling was, I had no fate. I really had none. People only went on searching for the best words of either explaining them or consoling me, but nobody could do nothing till I made a written communication to deny the promotions telling the place of posting was not suitable to me. Well, I had my reasons, a few of very pressing reasons, which were not possible to be compromised. I simply quoted it as a deep personal reason to my friends, but I carried it in my heart. The well wishers had their final statement of hypocrisy by telling, I was a CMD material from Orissa, but no problem, I can still hope to go to the ranks of DGM at least. Hahaha, funny it is, how people can cut jokes out of someones helplessness. The wave of depression had its tool. I went into depressions, yes, there was no escape. It was really not an easy thing to work out. My mother was with me from 12th of August till almost to the end of September. I love my mother, and she held me in control. The memories of a month has simply been erased from my mind. I was just a dead man walking with no spirit. It was a purely mechanical life. Around mid of September, I was gaining a little control. I wanted to go back to my job and search for my lost pleasure there. First time I was looking at my business figures, and planning for them for the first time in this year. Of course, I was trying to do that without any counter expectation in terms of the career. Well, did I expect a career earlier. Mostly no. I was certainly a mad workaholic bustard, who was looking for a resort and solace in this world of cheats and opportunists. People misjudged me as a careerist, which was the irony. This time I was trying to play down something new, just determined to throw away the expectation part, however hard it be. Job was still the resort, but it was now a house but having no roof. It was a process without a purpose. Be it good or bad, I am still trying to hold course, as long as I can. I was happy to record and report a good figure by the evening of 30th September, the last day of half yearly closing. People must have been surprised how that happened irrespective of all the mishap put to gather. No sooner I had finished taking a breath, my house went into flood and inundation by 11 pm night. It was another wave to throw me out of gear. This time it was too hard to kick me out of the left over faiths and beliefs I had in the goodness of life. It was again a hard recovery. Ultimately I decided to abandon the place. I just threw things arbitrarily into my house and left for my natives to go into the pleasing process of Durga Puja, which should help me out of the shock and depression through some divine magic, I expected. Magics never happen..... thats another reality. There was cyclone Phailin, and I decided to come back to Balasore on the nights of Sashthi, when even our pandal decorations were not over. I feared another water flooding in my house. Though it didnt happen, the life was plugged for almost a week. It was September 12th, when it was striking at around midnight. That followed an unprecedented flood in my area of jurisdiction, causing large scale devastations, raising almost 150 claims small and big, where total incur loss might safely exceed six crore from this single event on a total premium base of 12.5 crore projected for this year. Not to be upset, the misfortune never strikes alone. No sooner the flood water receded, after the break of around 4 to 5 days, we had another cyclone, in which were again back to the old flood situation. Rain in pouring incessantly for last 72 hours, continuing till now. I am sure I am again going to see severe flood by tomorrow. So really the time from April to October, a long seven months have been just wasted. Wasted for many reasons, some fortuitous, and some are purely man made. Act of God brings bad fate, cant be helped. But what could I have done with the man made ones. A few persons, who could have helped, if they wished to didnt do nothing. They were only out there to establish their power of ego and hypocrisy, just to show off that, they are omniscient. What can I say more, let they be, what they are, I care a damn. What is the point of caring something and someone, who all think, their adamantness as their greatness. The process appears to be only terminating the day before, when I received a letter confirming the acceptance of my denial etc etc. Please, I dont want to ever remember my ordeal between April to 22nd October. It is just madness, a pure madness. .... ..... Well, I started with October. The world has changed for me. So I say October has not remained as October for me any longer. The TV is still there, but tatasky has taken out the Star Movies out of the basic HD packages. I have stopped watching English movies long since, which was my long time favourite. I hardly open TV these days, except watching a bit of news headlines. When my wife is around, she plays all the oriya serials, which I hate to see the most. They all depict the dubious character of women in the society, which is not quite false. She most of the time also plays the Prarthana and other religious channels to listen to the talks given by the Babas which I again hate the most. I hate the ways of my wife too, but I can speak nothing, we are bound by constitution. Life is still in search of something, which can probably replace my old passion, which has got dislodged from the old timer, my job, which my wife used to call as my first wife. I have not yet been successful there. Looking at my disturbed times, my once under control subordinate staffs and officers have started to play mischief. Today I caught one red handed, who had changed the amount of A25 petty cash voucher, after I had approved it. He had very meticulously overwritten the figures to higher values. I caught that when I was signing the cheque. Its really bad. Such people are everywhere, and eat up everything like rats from inside. And finally, I am badly asking the management to transfer me out to some other place and some other assignment, which probably will help me to ease out a little. May be if I can build the threshold, I can try to move ahead to a manageable future. I am completely lost. I am completely ruined too. The Ego in the name of righteousness has won, and in the process a good officer as me has gone doomed for ever. This is the world full of irony. The world carries no solutions except the words of consolation, which are practically useless. It too might pass, but it doesnt offer me any compromise either. A few times, even I have very strongly introspected to end this hapless life, but restrained myself thinking it wont lead to any solutions there by. The thing remains, I have not felt any difference in months from April to October till now. Since it is the end of it, I doubt, how many months would go like this, before life is brought back to track again — at My Residence at Balasore. — at My Residence at Balasore. — at My Residence at Balasore. — at My Residence at Balasore.
Posted on: Fri, 25 Oct 2013 18:00:50 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015