We are half out of our suitcases. Home from our trip but not really home yet. The In Between. Christopher is doing what 3-year-olds do sometimes. He is asking me for small things in a voice that makes it sound like there is an enormous emergency occurring. (I NEEEED WAAATER!!! NOOOW!) And he has found the remote doorbell pusher and he is pushing it over and over again and I cant find where the microphone-thingy is that is blasting out a strange tune over and over again all around the house. And I have just put the third load of laundry on and the pile is showing no signs of shrinking. In fact, I think it just got bigger after a reassessment of the smell of our just-spent-ten-days-in-a-caravan blankets. And I am sitting here, taking a moment to write, to give my soul the opportunity to have a bigger part in my day. Taking my own advice to write that shit down. And my heart takes me to the image of lying in the bath last night. The children announced their show was starting and they performed it right there in the bathroom. It was a ballet show but Christopher kept stopping to do really loud whispers to ask questions. And then he fell over and one of them bumped into the doorframe. And in the midst of the fullness of the overwhelm I was feeling, I found that my heart was smiling because I felt so much love for them with the too-loud whispers and the falling overs and the imperfect perfection of the last-minute made-up performance with all its backstage-ness and unselfconscious sweetness and bumping-into-wall moments. And I realise now that this is how we all look all the time. This is how our angels see us. This is how loved we are. When we fall over and say the wrong thing at the wrong moment and wish to be better and different and there and when we mess things up and get overwhelmed and lose our way, there is a loving force that just stands there patiently, endlessly, smiling with absolute love and appreciation for all of it - for all of us. Not because we do anything in particular to earn it and certainly not because our performance came out just right. Not because of anything. Just because we exist and can never be outside of the Love, even when we feel like we must be the one exception in the universe. And oh how I need that realisation today as I wade through the treacle of my day, one step and one breath at a time. Off to take my next breath. Love.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Sep 2014 10:13:34 +0000
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