We have been pretty public with information about Roger and the last leg of his earthly journey. I am aware that each family deals with death in their own way, and I dont fault anyone for being private (or public, for that matter) about Facebook postings. I just feel strongly that there is someone out there who can learn from our situation, so hang on to your hats! Here we go. (As with anything on FB, you can just keep scrolling if you want.) I look back on these past four months and think, How can it be? We had just retired from our ministry at Salem Baptist Church and had so many plans to enjoy each other and be a blessing to others. Am I bitter? Not yet. Could I be bitter? Yes. But at this point it has not really occurred to me. And do you know what? If you are not bitter you have a better outlook on life. Im a journaling nut when it comes to Rogers health, so it should come to you as no surprise that I have journaled during his brain cancer. Roger and I had originally planned to write some sort of book about his liver transplant, though we couldnt settle on a title. De-livered: The Story of My Liver Transplant was my idea. Ill have to look through our notes to see what his title was. But I think I will pursue putting our cancer experience down in print first because it is fresh in my mind. I expect it to become a blog or book of some sort. What follows is just a small glimpse of Rogers last weeks. November 11 I made the call to the cancer doctor to stop treatment Hospice called He can still get up from a chair and walk around. November 13 Hospice came for the initial intake. He understood what was happening. November 14 The hospital bed came. He has a hard time saying my name. November 15 The hospice nurse came. Her opinion that things could progress quickly Elaine, Rogers sister came November 19 He is so hard to move and he is pretty much non-verbal November 21 Lisa arrives November 22 Chad and Stephanie come Roger is still able to eat November 23 Scott and Jess arrive Roger coughs and holds his head as though he is in pain We call hospice and begin the morphine, atropine and Ativan at various times. It eventually turns into an every hour on the hour medicine schedule. November 24 At 8:00 am he stopped breathing, opened his eyes, rolled back his eyes and then started breathing again. He did this several times. 3 pm. 5 pm. 10 pm 11:30 pm at 8:00 pm pulse ox was 70%, 61 heart rate. During each of these times we were sure that Roger was going to die. We would call everyone in and stand around his bed and cry and tell him that it was ok to go, and that the kids would all take care of me. Then all of a sudden he would start breathing again, It was as though we brought him back. Eventually we decided to be very quiet and not disturb him in his journey to heaven. During one of the episodes we called everyone in to stand around his bed and I asked the grandkids if they wanted to sing a song. Asher said, Jesus Loves Me. So we all sang it to grandpa. I asked if there was another suggestion and Seth said, Jesus Loves the Little Children. So we sang that to grandpa. I asked if there was one more, and Seth, in the cutest little voice said, The Star Spangled Banner. We all looked at each other, smiled, and proceeded to place our hands over our hearts and sing that patriotic song to Roger on his death bed. I must admit that it was precious and made us giggle a bit. It was a stress reliever at that point. November 25 Lance arrives November 26 Roger takes his last breath at about 11:15 am But these are just bare bones facts. You arent reading the emotions and thoughts I was feeling and the thinking. There is so much more. I guess you will just have to get my book! How about that for a teaser? After the funeral my children were very concerned about me. They decided that I should spend some time at Chads house in Michigan, so after Chad and Scott and their families left on Sunday it was just Lance, Lisa and me. Lance left early Tuesday morning and the Lisa and I went our separate ways to Green Bay and Grand Rapids, respectively. For the next few weeks I had a wonderful transition time with skating, church activities, cantata, doing laundry, washing dishes, and being a chauffeur. I had helpers here in Decatur getting the mail and checking on the house. While in Michigan I was able to make phone calls to start the plethora of death notifications for different agencies and groups. But then it was time to go home. I arrived yesterday afternoon, knowing full well it would be difficult, to say the least. Here is the email I sent to the kids this morning. It is a personal look into my struggles, more of which you will see if you read the blog or buy the book (shameless plug). Kids, I left Michigan with a few tears this morning. The trip was uneventful and I even found my way to my high school friends house in DeMotte, Indiana. We had a sweet time at her house, lunch and chatting about what we had done since high school. Her husband is an undertaker....how crazy is that? I got home, got the mail, unloaded my stuff and had about 15 minutes in the house and then left to get my hair cut. No tears I returned home from my hair cut, redid the hair a little and then left for church. Still no tears. It was good to see people and hear that they were praying for me. After I got my soda, I came home and said, well, Im a widow. Roger isnt here. I made popcorn and turned the TV up loud. I slept pretty good until 4:15 am. Got up to go to the bathroom and checked my phone. I saw a message from my dear friend Renee from Indiana and read it. Then I noticed a video that had been out on my page. Its was a song written because of a death in the family called, A Different Kind of Christmas This Year. https://youtube/watch?v=5PBEMfbWq_Y As I listened to it, the tears started flowing. They flowed, I wailed, and cried some more. I walked around the house just crying and talking to or about Roger and how he wasnt here. I touched so many of his things and thought about each room and how many memories there were for so many things in the rooms. I wept on the bed and listened to the song again. It just fits my situation so well. I cried and wailed again. I played it again. Still there were tears. I cried steady for about 15 minutes and it really felt good. I know there will be more tears, but this is a great start. It feels so good to let it out. I think that song will mean an awful lot to me this year. I am ok. Really. This is something that I need to go through and the tears are healing. There is more. I wish you could see all of the cards that waited for me at home. I wish you could know all of the love I have felt from so many people. I wish you could hear the laughter in so many situations. Ill post more pictures eventually, but I thought you would get a kick out of the Star Spangled Banner one!
Posted on: Thu, 18 Dec 2014 14:00:23 +0000
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