Well, I had coffee for the first time in weeks (no caffeine at all, realizing it was likely exacerbating the anxiety issue), and after 2 cups, I have anxiety. And keep feeling the beginning of a panic attack looming. Not gonna do that again, I dont think (the coffee). Just trying to remember relaxation tools and riding the wave through it. :/ The depression is lingering on this second day of a full dose of Zoloft. Not liking this development at all. But I see the therapist on Tuesday and I can talk with her about it. Have been just utterly in stasis today. My husband fed me, and we listened to some Deva Premal videos. He has been fairly even for more than a week now. Bubbles here and there, but this situation is not easy, and I am struggling - which makes his strain greater, as well. I am able to relax and enjoy conversation and the music program, and I have been reading and watching videos online, but if I am not distracted, the anxiety is there. For some people, this is apparently their norm. It is not mine. This constant feeling like I am falling from a great height is more than a little unnerving for me. Fear in my belly. Perhaps for good reason. But it distracts me and disrupts me from accomplishing anything. It takes all my energy to divert myself from the feeling. And NO - I DONT just want to let myself FEEL it. Today is my elder childs birthday. I left him a post on his profile and texted him a happy birthday, but as with the younger earlier in the month, I did not call. Always wishing to not interrupt their own plans on their special days. I have been lackluster in the social interaction arena for some time now - I mean, more than usual. ((sigh)) This, also, gives me more anxiety. The day has been intermittently gray, having seemed like rain since last night. Now that evening is approaching, the sky is beginning to clear a little, but the coolness and sense of impending rain remains. The quality of the light does not help to abate the depression. The cold and the sense of damp just makes me want to go to bed. But that conjures things that make me more depressed feeling, so I dont want to lay down. Besides, it feels lazy and like an escape - and I dont want to be doing that to myself. It is a slippery slope, there. I am trying to realize that the physical lull may be necessary. I have been months on some sort of human turbo speed and endurance, and I am pretty certain that I could actually use the downtime simply for a mere rest for my nervous system, but then I am convinced I have no TIME for this, no luxury to let my mind and body heal at all - and then THAT gives me anxiety. I really, truly hate this. And I do not know how people with this condition at all times manage to function at ALL. I have things I need to be getting onto. I keep telling myself that a few days or even a week will not affect the processes all that much. But I also know that every moment counts in the larger picture. It is constantly this battle between what is going on inside and what I perceive to be going on - or not - outside. I am drawn to attend to the outside - because it is the obvious problem. But it is the inner environment that clearly needs the MOST work at the moment. I am not at all familiar with working with my energy in this manner. Not the condition I have developed in this time, nor its treatment. All these years, no matter how I struggled, I worked through things from a purely spiritual and energetic point of view. This method is unfamiliar and not at all comfortable. I try to tell myself today that this could just be another adjustment period of the medication (and it likely is...), but another portion of my mind tells me that I am getting ready to have all the worst side effects of the stuff. I like to believe that I will see it coming if that is what happens. So up and down and mostly in this mental fugue state between the poles. Not bipolar feeling, just way too variable. And the anxiety. Just as I was writing this, I think it has let up a little... but it is still there. In my gut. Hating that. A lot. Gonna keep working on the techniques the Anxiety Class reminds me to use, and endeavor to RELAX. A nice bath later on, with candles and peacefulness. Maybe it is just what I need, for this moment.
Posted on: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 01:04:50 +0000
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