Well I knew it was coming it was just a matter of when and where. I had to go to Birmingham today for my 3 week post chemo visit. Today should have been a happy day......I only had to get labs drawn and see the Dr and be on my way. Well I get my labs drawn and am sitting in my little room waiting on the Dr. The Nurse Practitioner that I absolutely LOVE came in and started talking to me and I totally fell apart...Im talking like when I was first diagnosed falling apart. I even had the nurse practitioner crying. You must be wondering why? Well I have had a pretty rough few days emotionally. I have felt like since the chemo is over my safety net is gone. Believe me, I am NOT begging for more chemo, but there was a sense of comfort in knowing that IF anything else was floating around anywhere else in my body that it was getting zapped. Now I feel like it all has free reign again. It may seem irrational to some, but unless you have experienced this you cannot appreciate the amount of fear that consumes your thoughts. My NP and Dr both assured me that what I was feeling was COMPLETELY normal and that everyone coming off chemo goes through this to some degree. They also reminded me that this is all still new to me and I havent learned how to completely deal with all different worries yet. Again, learning to deal will come with time. They said that my body is and will still be feeling the effects of chemo for at least 2 months and that heading into radiation that the fatigue would continue. So after 30 minutes of calming me down......Their advice ~~ Let us worry about you and you worry about living~~ I KNOW that I have to get to a point that eventually but it is all still too acute to settle into a put it on the back burner mentality. I am hoping that once I progress through the radiation while also heading into the Holiday Season that some of my anxiety will subside. I am hoping that with the New Year there will come more stability of my routine and I wont be constantly running to this Dr or that Dr or to this scan or that scan and I can settle into a schedule of my trips to Birmingham and everything wont be so on top of me all the time. I have tried to remain positive despite my usual pessimistic (I prefer realist rather than pessimist but some beg to differ, lol) way but I think I have gotten to a point of mental exhaustion on top of the physical exhaustion. I have played every scenario and every what if at least hundred times since my diagnosis and that can drive a person bonkers. I fervently pray and ask God to help me find ways to deal with the worry and fear that I carry. Even though I still fight these issues I know that He is still with me and that if not for His grace I would not be where I am at this point. I will in time learn which shelves to put my worried and fears on in my mind. Until then I will continue to pray for peace within myself while also understanding that it is OK to not have a good day every day while also knowing that with the passage of time things will get better and I will begin my new normal. BUT it will take time. Please continue to remember my family in prayer as we continue to work through these changes that cancer has brought into our lives. Love to all~~M
Posted on: Tue, 22 Oct 2013 02:09:31 +0000
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