Well as you may have seen its my birthday today. Yes, it is also the first night of Chanukah as well, and dont think it still doesnt annoy me that everybody else gets presents on my birthday. (Yes a little bit of the ugly side of me comes out) Now normally I try to keep my posts upbeat, but its my birthday and I can rant if I want to. So since I am no longer able to sleep whole nights, I was thinking in my head of the days every man comes to certain realizations, such as: 1) Your mom making really good lunches will only take you so far on the coolness meter (Alright, I dont think you picked me first in gym class, because you wanted my moms lasagna, but its better to not take any chances) 2) Everyone is cool until about 2nd grade, and then all of the sudden the natural selection of the jungle seems to take over (Oh for sure he is a loin, Oh that guy, hes the zebra with the lame leg. Well be chasing him down and feasting for years.) 3) The day you realize that all the shows / cartoons you were so upset over missing as a child are really bad (How many times is GI Joe going to capture Cobra Commander and not bother to look under the mask?! and Wow I really thought I was missing something by not watching Dukes of Hazard on Friday nights, but the show really stinks. Now dont get me wrong Daisy Duke is really pretty, but how long do you expect a pair of shorts to carry a show?) 4) The day you realize that all your childhood TV crushes will probably not work out (Goodbye Jo from Facts of Life, Winnie Cooper, and the girl from my two dads. Sure on TV, your all rebellious and get all sweet for the not so cool kid, but I heard in real life your dating Corey Feldman) 5) Your most likely not going to be a doctor by Freshman year of high school (Damn you Doogie Howser for setting that bar at a realistic level) 6) Most likely will not finish college with 6 PhDs. (Again damn you Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap for setting that bar at an even more realistic level) 7) You will not be discovered by pro baseball scouts while playing intramural softball in your high school league. (I blame it on my jealous team captains for always hiding me in right field. Sure your caught sitting on the ground blowing dandelions just once...) However, on the upside I still have these dreams to look forward to: 1) I will one day become a vigilante crime fighter. (All the weight and lack of exercise now, is to really enhance the transformation later. Plus I have watched so many martial arts action films that when I need those skills Im sure they will just come to the forefront of my mind) 2) I will be discovered as a comedian / comedy writer. Even have a name for my first tour Im so forgetful that when I go senile no one will notice. Major problem is when I face my first heckler. Im lousy at coming back with quick snappy retorts. Ill have to ask the guy for his cellphone number, so when I come up with something at 2 AM, I can call him back and hit him with a zinger. 3) Building a time machine and setting myself straight (Honestly having a Moshava Shabbat walk and a girl friend in high school may seem really important now, but do us both a favor and actually pay attention in life. Oh and another thing, all those shows your upset about missing, they all are really bad except MASH that show still kicks but. Financially I want you to buy Motorolla stock, then sell it here. Then take that money and buy Microsoft. Sell here and finally buy Apple here. Sure I know buying Apple seems stupid now, but trust me. Oh and finally when were rich avoid two things: A guy named Bernie Madoff, and Exxon stock) 3) I am really immortal. Honestly, how can you disagree at this time? Im still here, writing this down, so I would call that substantial evidence in my favor. Now go be more productive.. (or not. You could be immortal too, so you may have all the time in the world to use frivolously)
Posted on: Tue, 16 Dec 2014 13:06:28 +0000
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