Well, this ones a book lol I was going to post about this earlier..but every time I tried to start typing it out, I turned into a blubbering mess. Those silly hormones. Anyway.. Ella completely floored me today. In the process of her doing so, I had a moment of true clarity...I havent had one that profound in a very long time. I have kept the same little orange bible in my purse or sports bag for years. I pull it out when Im feeling down, or if Im sitting in a doctors office waiting to be seen. I dont know why, but I focus more on the words when Im being forced to wait. Maybe its Gods way of placing me in a calm and quiet place so he can know hell be heard. Heres the thing. Ive always been against talking to Ella about religion or anything of the sort, because I never wanted to make her feel like she was being pushed to believe one thing or another. Whatever she chooses to believe, is her path, and the one I will support her in taking. I figured that when the time came to have the talk..ya know, the one about God..that that time would happen on its own accord. Now, I dont and will never claim any religion. I probably seem like a total hypocrite for talking so much about God lately..and thats fine because thats your judgement, and thats exactly why I dont claim a religion. Strange things have been happening, and Im taking it as things that are meant to be. I mean, Im kindve a walking fricken miracle right now, and I completely acknowledge the fact that I really play no part in it, other than the things just happening to me, and me being immensely grateful for the opportunities that have come my way. So today of all days, when I was sitting on the couch and rocking Aj to sleep, Ella pulled my bag off the table and the first thing she pulled out was my bible. She didnt tear the pages open like she normally does with her books. Instead she was gentle and moved slowly, like she was trying not to damage it. She held it up and said Mommy, whats this book about? I said Well, come and sit up here with me, and well talk about it before I read it to you, okay? She popped right up and bustled over to sit beside me, dug herself under my rib and said Okay, tell me about it. At first, my mind was racing because I was worried that Id make it too trivial for her, and she wouldnt pick up on what I was saying. So I started off by asking her if she knew anything about God. She told me she didnt and I explained it as follows: Me: Well, God, or the being we call God..because nobody knows if hes a man or a woman..or if hes even a person at all..is the one whos responsible for every single thing we know, feel, love, and so on. Do you see that swing your brothers sitting in? (She nodded her head) I believe that the particles in that swing were placed in just the right places at just the right time, and they were made into that swing. But thats what I believe. Ella: And the floor? Me: Yep, the same with the floor. Everything. Even us. Me, you, baby brother, Adam, Grandma and Grandpa. Ella: (She looked completely terrified, and I could tell I worded it horribly) IM GONNA BE A FLOOR!?!?! Me: No, God wanted you to be you. Because youve got things he wants you to do. He wanted me to be your mommy, and you to be my baby, and he knew that Aj was going to need a great big sister to help take care of him as he grows up. Ella: He wanted me to be your baby? I am your baby, mommy Me: (That alone was enough to rip my heart out and send me spiraling into an emotional meltdown. I knew instantly that it was time to have that other talk, and that shed be able to understand it, so I treaded very cautiously) Ella, before you were born, and even before I knew you were in my belly, God decided that I was good enough to have you. He just made me wait until the right time. I talked to him every day and promised him that Id always love you and keep you safe. So.. he heard me talking to him, and he thought that it was time for you to be made. When I found out you were in my belly, I knew right away that the things I was doing needed to change, and God knew that youd be the one to make me see that, and thatd Id change when I knew you were in there. Ella: You were mean? Me: Sometimes, yes. I wasnt like how I am now. I didnt have you to watch over. But now that I do, Im happy and Im T totally in love with you. I cant be mean when I have you and your brother to love so much. Ella: (she shoved her little head into my side and wrapped her arm around my belly and rubbed Ajs foot) Aww mommy, I love you too. Youre a nice mommy. Me: I hope so. I want to see you be strong and smart and happy, ya know. Ella: I know. Thats why I eat all of my cereal and read my books. Im gonna be BIIIIIIIG and really strong when Im your size. Me: I want that as long as you want that. Youre already strong, ya little beef. Ella: Im smart too. You show me letters and numbers and shapes. I like shapes and letters. Me: Me too. So what do you think about all of this? What do you think about God? Ella: I want to talk to him too...and tell him that I like you as my mommy. Me: I think hed like that. He likes when you tell him that you see the things he does for you. Ella: Can I tell him thank you for my crayons too? Me: Yes you can Then she closed her eyes and threw her head back and yelled HEY GOOOOOOOD!! THANK YOU FOR MY MOM AND MY CRAY-ONS!! I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!! Shortly after that, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, bawling like a huge baby. I wasnt prepared for that moment...but sitting on the couch with my sleeping baby boy, and my so insanely beautiful and smart little girl, I found myself having that beautiful moment of clarity. My life is SO beautiful. Its marvelous. And Im so blessed for the people who are in my life. Ugh gah. Now I need to eat the tacos that Adam just brought to me...and kiss his face ten billion times :D ..and then Im probably going to go all hormonal again before I fall asleep with a HUGE smile on my face
Posted on: Fri, 14 Nov 2014 04:33:01 +0000
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