What an interesting (and kind of horrible) day. I have a history of health problems. I could go on about that -- because so many earth lessons are tied up in our health -- but I learned long ago that people dont really know what to do with that part of my life, and thats okay. Suffice it to say Ive been in comas, Ive battled sepsis, Ive had clots in my heart, and Ive even dealt with (a little) cancer. Its a lot for just one life. Whatever. What does not kill us makes us stronger, no? BUT. Today was quite hard. I was supposed to have surgery and I was extremely nervous before going in. No matter how many surgeries Ive had (and this woman has had a lot), the whole thing never gets easier. In fact, the panic beforehand is getting markedly worse. The hardest part for me is the IV. Because of my many previous hospitalizations and all the IVs Ive seen in my day, my veins now tenaciously roll. They are a trip; no matter how good the sticker (or nurse, rather), I am always their hardest case. Today was no different -- wait, it was, because it was even worse than usual. I am deathly afraid of needles, yet they needed four nurses and nearly an hour to finally get the IV in. My veins kept on blowing. By the time they finally got it in my blood pressure was 185/100. Yes, you read that right. They waited a couple of hours hoping it would go down, but it didnt, and I couldnt have the surgery. I was too freaked out, too hypertensive, and way too much of a risk. I get it and I respect it. But I have to go back in a month and do it all over again. I dont even know why I am writing this all out, except that its cathartic and also because I wonder where the lesson is in all of this. I prayed to my angels during the whole thing -- specifically to Raphael -- asking for their help as they brought out the needles. Normally the help sweeps right in, but not today. And then I asked my emissaries to help lower my blood pressure (the doc feared I might stroke) and calm me down. It never happened. During it all, while my telephone was completely away from me, I apparently also dialed a client, who answered and did not know what was happening. My phone was in a bag which was in a sack beneath my gurney. I was nowhere near it. Yet it dialed this client anyway. Older now, I try to find the lessons faster. It takes the sting and the drama out of the experience. Right now I am looking for that lesson, and am conscious of the fear inside me as I realize this whole thing isnt over. Clearly today was not my day for surgery -- maybe I was saved from a particular outcome? Maybe this is all making me into someone who can be of great service to someone else, someday? I dont know. I also dont think I need to know. I am glad it is evening, I am glad I am home, and I am glad at least today is for the most part behind me. Sometimes its hard wearing the flesh suit, isnt it? Sometimes it really does hurt. Yet in the midst of it all, I am grateful. I can say thank you God, for doing whatever it is you did for me today. Because I do think that God did something. I dont need to know what it was or why it was -- I just need to trust the process of a Spirit-filled life. And I do. Maybe thats the lesson?
Posted on: Wed, 21 Jan 2015 01:35:12 +0000
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