What does being committed to your marriage really mean? When people say, Im committed to my relations. One thing they can mean is, I really like this relationship and want it to continue. However, commitment is more than just that. Its easy to be committed to your relationship when its going well, As a relationship changes, however, shouldnt you say at some point something like, Im committed to this relationship, but its not going very well — I need to have some resolve, make some sacrifices and take the steps I need to take to keep this relationship moving forward. Its not just that I like the relationship, which is true, but that Im going to step up and take active steps to maintain this relationship, even if it means Im not going to get my way in certain areas? This, l said, is the other kind of commitment: the difference between I like this relationship and Im committed to it and Im committed to doing what it takes to make this relationship work. When you and your partner are struggling a bit, are you going to do whats difficult when you dont want to? At 2 a.m., are you going to feed the baby? The couples that were willing to make sacrifices within their relationships were more effective in solving their problems, The second kind of commitment predicted lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship. I want my marriage to stay strong no matter what rough times we may encounter, My marriage is more important to me than almost anything else in my life, Giving up something for my partner is frequently not worth the trouble and It makes me feel good to sacrifice for my partner. Will we still say all these as year passes bye. I am not saying its easy okay. So what does it mean to be committed to your marriage? It means do what it takes to make the relationship successful. Thats what l am saying. Thats what commitment really means, In a long-term relationship, both parties cannot always get their way. When a couple has a dispute, they have many choices of how to respond. One choice, is if you dig your heels in, then I can dig my heels in too. I can say, Youre wrong. Listen to me! But if this relationship is really important to me, Im willing to say, I will compromise. What is my goal? Is it to win this battle? Is it to preserve the relationship? The behaviors I might engage in to win this conflict are different from those that are best for the relationship. The people who think more about protecting the relationship over the long term are more likely to think this is not that big a problem. When the stakes are high, our relationships are vulnerable, When were under a great deal of stress or when there is a high-stakes decision on which you disagree, those are defining moments in a relationship. What our data indicate is that committing to the relationship rather than committing to your own agenda and your own immediate needs is a far better strategy. I am not saying its easy. How do you do this when its difficult? Find ways to compromise, or at least have the conversation that allows you and your partner to see things eye to eye, Often, we dont have the big conversations that we need in our relationship. The very act of communicating in difficult times can be as important as the outcome of the conversation. Everybody has the opportunity to engage in a conflict, or not, to say, Youre wrong, Im right. When people are in it for the long term, they are often willing to make sacrifices and view themselves as a team. They both are. The people who ended their marriages would have said they were very committed to the marriage, But they did not have the resolve to say, Honey, we need to work on this; its going to be hard, but its important. The successful couples were able to shift their focus away from whether I win or you win to Are we going to keep this relationship afloat? That is the ideal. In a marriage, disagreement is inevitable, but conflict is optional — a choice we make. If its so easy for you to tell your partner to change, perhaps you should just change yourself, Go ahead and take that on, see how that goes. When choosing a relationship, choose carefully and wisely — and even then, dont expect it to be easy.
Posted on: Thu, 15 Jan 2015 08:35:31 +0000
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