What else to write about on my birthday than my birthday? Interesting concept birthday, be-earthed day. A ship birthed in dock day. Admiralty law. Birth Certificates. Registered with the crown. Hmmm, not going into that right now. What a fantastic day. What an interesting day. What a fun day to be alive. This is the first time in 48 years that I am really happy to have a birthday and I want to share it with others. The last five days have been interesting in that I have been processing an abandonment issue and that I had a big breakthrough with yesterday afternoon. I realized that I had some trauma in the womb when I was three months conceived. Emotional trauma. My perception was that I was going to die very soon. Since, then I’ve carried this wound and it has affected my behaviour my whole life. I cleared it yesterday on new years eve, the eve of my birthday. Once cleared, I came to peace and I felt happy to be having a birthday. Then it struck me, this was the first time, since being a kid motivated by presents, that I am happy to be having a birthday. I even want to tell people about it. Yayyyy. It seems this wounding has effected my behaviour my whole life. I was quite solitary and withdrawn as a young child. “Quiet rivers run deep” I remember my mother saying. True that. It has effected how I related to everyone. I felt always under threat, that I was alien and different to the other humans around me. Life was strange. I had an existential crisis when I was about twelve or thirteen and decided to live life fully and have done my best ever since. Jumping to more recent times, over the last few months, I felt a lot of anger coming out, much more than any current situation warranted. Within a minute of clearing the in utero wounding I had a sudden realization, I’ve been carrying anger my whole life. I realized that, ever since a bullying incident four years ago in the work place, I’ve been really angry and it’s significantly affected my life. In this incident I chose to be assertive, say no to the unethical behaviour I was being pressured into doing and got sacked. Since then anger would bubble over in particular situations, it would cloud the flavor of my interactions. Why was I so hard on people? Why when I am triggered is it so strong? Whilst my content and responses were reasonable, the delivery came with a sledgehammer. Obvious now, it was because I was carrying and operating from a base level of anger that I had not yet fully processed so the anger looked for ways to be expressed leaking out in many of my interactions. Wow, good to really see and wake up to. Moments later there came the realization, that this anger had really made life difficult for myself and others over the last four years. Situations would end in “unnecessary” conflict. Clearly necessary from the journey that needed to be taken but unnecessary from a now I can do it differently perspective. I realized how ingrained anger was in my behaviour when later that evening a friend of my told me that she thought it was part of my character. I saw that this anger had been ruining my life for the last four years. That was a big realization. Tears. Comforting of the parts of me that went into self-pity. Releasing the sadness and self pity. Then there I was in peace and warmth. Starting to deprogram the pattern in myself of needing to move into anger. Find the trigger linkages and oh, what is the new pattern I want? Got it. OK what is the trigger? Well the pattern is a concern ie a low level fear or a sense of violation that triggers the anger. A flight or fight mechanism. OK so let’s reprogram it. Instead of concern/fear/violation triggering anger. Let’s make it concern/fear/violation triggers more grounding, presence, awareness, compassion, self love and warmth. For the moment that seems like a better default response to most if not all situations. I’m not saying that it will always look pretty, I’m not preaching passive acceptance. I’m saying that first response is to be conscious and not wobbled by anything that is happening. This should enable most situations to diffuse. This should allow the space for myself and all parties, if they choose it to, drop deeper into whatever is going on. The preference is that any concern or tension is resolved consciously and lovingly. The escalation into conflict or anger is always optional. If the other party continues to escalate the situation and the situation demands a stronger response then that is OK too. The new programming allows for the response to the equal to the situation. Not to be distorted by past-buried anger or by new age “love and light” thinking. If someone comes at me with a knife, then I won’t be hugging them. Well, that might be a good restraining technique, so maybe I will, but it won’t be the same hug that a good friend gets. In summary, explore all peaceful options before stronger measures are taken, the way of the peaceful warrior. Just as the anger processing is resolved the phone rings, synchronistic timing. It is my beloved and I share the above news as we go into a beautiful space. I am feeling so much softer, gentler, warm and present. It’s me without this background trauma and anger running. We have a beautifully clarifying and heartfelt conversation. Life is good. OK feels like I smashed it! Job done! At least the core of it. There may need to be some clearing up of the debris internally in me. So I commit to working on this each day until it’s completely gone. Not much change there as personal clearing is what I do every day anyway. Walking out into the bush setting I realize I’m the only one on the property. This allows me to announce my intentions to the universe – full volume and naked – primal - to celebrate myself, this clearing and life. Seems and appropriate way to spend a few moments on new years. So I shout as loud as I can to the universe and all beings, “I claim my happiness. I claim it here and now and for ever more.” The universe answers with the same words in my voice in the for of an amazing from the hill this property is on the side of. Cool. The meaning of the word claim that I am using in this instance is “to announce, to cry out my intention”. Nothing to do with ownership or other modern uses of the word. I continue with so much fun. I claim joy. I claim my beloved in divine union. I claim warmth. I claim wealth. I claim health. I claim self determined conscious creator. And the list goes one… each time I have direct responses from the universe in the form of the birds around me, the wallabies and the echo’s. Beautiful. Finally I declare my claims to be witnessed by the universe. And it’s done. Later that night I realize that there is something missing in my life. There is a drop in tension, a drop in the continuous background flight or fight mechanism running. I’m happy, content and exhausted. Please take me sleep. Love Mike
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 01:05:14 +0000
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