What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? Weve all known (know) one, love one, left one, worked for one or maybe you are one. Here is some good info on it Traits of someone with NPD amoral/conscienceless authoritarian care only about appearances contemptuous critical of others cruel disappointing gift-givers dont recognize own feelings envious and competitive feel entitled flirtatious or seductive grandiose hard to have a good time with hate to live alone hyper-sensitive to criticism impulsive lack sense of humor naive passive pessimistic religious secretive self-contradictory stingy strange work habits unusual eating habits weird sense of time The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, theyll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it -- really, how could you think theyd ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, theyll say youre lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. [At this point, if youre like me, you sort of panic and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on: this is a healthy reaction; its a reality check (whos the crazy one here?); that youre confused by the narcissists contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist]. NOTE: Normal people can behave irrationally under emotional stress -- be confused, deny things they know, get sort of paranoid, want to be babied when theyre in pain. But normal people recover pretty much within an hour or two or a day or two, and, with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists -- the surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them for ever. ^ If youre like me, you get into disputes with narcissists over their casual dishonesty and cruelty to other people. Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean. What you see is what you get: they have no better nature. The fundamental problem here is that narcissists lack empathy. Lacking empathy is a profound disturbance to the narcissists thinking (cognition) and feeling (effective). Even when very intelligent, narcissists cant reason well. One Ive worked with closely does something I characterize as analysis by eggbeater. They dont understand the meaning of what people say and they dont grasp the meaning of the written word either -- because so much of the meaning of anything we say depends on context and affect, narcissists (lacking empathy and thus lacking both context and affect) hear only the words. (Discussions with narcissists can be really weird and disconcerting; they seem to think that using some of the same words means that they are following a line of conversation or reasoning. Thus, they will go off on tangents and irrelevancies, apparently in the blithe delusion that they understand what others are talking about.) And, frankly, they dont hear all the words, either. They can pay attention only to stuff that has them in it. This is not merely a bad habit -- its a cognitive deficiency. Narcissists pay attention only to themselves and stuff that affects them personally. However, since they dont know what other people are doing, narcissists cant judge what will affect them personally and seem never to learn that when they cause trouble they will get trouble back. They wont take other peoples feelings into consideration and so they overlook the fact that other people will react with feeling when abused or exploited and that most people get really pissed off by being lied to or lied about. ^ Narcissists lack a mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations -- though, again, this can be obscure to casual observation if you dont know what they think their reputations are, and what they believe others think of them may be way out of touch with reality [see remarks on John Cheever elsewhere on this page]. Their moral intelligence is about at the level of a bright five- or six-year-old; the only rules they recognize are things that have been specifically required, permitted, prohibited, or disapproved of by authority figures they know personally. Anyhow, narcissists cant be counted on not to do something just because its wrong, illegal, or will hurt someone, as long as they think that they can get away with it or that you cant stop them or punish them (i.e., they dont care what you think unless theyre afraid of you). ^ Narcissists are envious and competitive in ways that are hard to understand. For instance, one I knew once became incensed over an article published in a national magazine -- not for its content exactly, but because she could have written something just as good. Maybe she could have -- she hadnt, but that little lapse on her part was beside the point to her. They are constantly comparing themselves (and whatever they feel belongs to them, such as their children and furniture) to other people. Narcissists feel that, unless they are better than anyone else, they are worse than everybody in the whole world. Narcissists are generally contemptuous of others. This seems to spring, at base, from their general lack of empathy, and it comes out as (at best) a dismissive attitude towards other peoples feelings, wishes, needs, concerns, standards, property, work, etc. It is also connected to their overall negative outlook on life. ^ Narcissists are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people. They think that they must be seen as perfect or superior or infallible, next to god-like (if not actually divine, then sitting on the right hand of God) -- or else they are worthless. Theres no middle ground of ordinary normal humanity for narcissists. They cant tolerate the least disagreement. In fact, if you say, Please dont do that again -- it hurts, narcissists will turn around and do it again harder to prove that they were right the first time; their reasoning seems to be something like I am a good person and can do no wrong; therefore, I didnt hurt you and you are lying about it now... -- sorry, folks, I get lost after that. Anyhow, narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because theyre paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination. Thus, no matter how gently you suggest that they might do better to change their ways or get some help, they will react in one of two equally horrible ways: they will attack or they will withdraw. Be wary of wandering into this dragons cave -- narcissists will say ANYTHING, they will trash anyone in their own self-justification, and then they will expect the immediate restoration of the status quo. They will attack you (sometimes physically) and spew a load of bile, insult, abuse, contempt, threats, etc., and then -- well, its kind of like they had indigestion and the vicious tirade worked like a burp: There. Now I feel better. Where were we? They feel better, so they expect you to feel better, too. They will say you are nothing, worthless, and turn around immediately and say that they love you. When you object to this kind of treatment, they will say, You just have to accept me the way I am. (God made me this way, so God loves me even if you are too stupid to understand how special I am.) Accepting them as they are (and staying away from them entirely) is excellent advice. The other punishment narcissists mete out is banishing you from their glorious presence -- this can turn into a farce, since by this point you are probably praying to be rescued, Dear God! How do I get out of this? The narcissist expects that you will be devastated by the withdrawal of her/his divine attention, so that after a while -- a few weeks or months (i.e., the next time the narcissist needs to use you for something) -- the narcissist will expect you to have learned your lesson and be eager to return to the fold. If you have learned your lesson, you wont answer that call. They cant see that they have a problem; its always somebody else who has the problem and needs to change. Therapies work at all only when the individual wants to change and, though narcissists hate their real selves, they dont want to change -- they want the world to change. And they criticize, gripe, and complain about almost everything and almost everyone almost all the time. There are usually a favored few whom narcissists regard as absolutely above reproach, even for egregious misconduct or actual crime, and about whom they wont brook the slightest criticism. These are people the narcissists are terrified of, though theyll tell you that what they feel is love and respect; apparently they dont know the difference between fear and love. Narcissists just get worse and worse as they grow older; their parents and other authority figures that theyve feared die off, and theres less and less outside influence to keep them in check. ^ Narcissists are hostile and ferocious in reaction, but they are generally passive and lacking in initiative. They dont start stuff -- they dont reach out. Remember this when they turn and rend you! They will complain about the same things for years on end, but only rarely do anything to change what dissatisfies them so badly. ^ Read more here halcyon/jmashmun/npd/traits.html
Posted on: Sun, 21 Dec 2014 13:40:23 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015