What is it like having a child with cancer? Such a simple question with no simple answer. Where to start? The emotional, the physical , the unknown? There’s no words to correctly define the overwhelming emotions and terror of the initial diagnosis. We’ve all experienced the feeling of bad news that gives us hot flashes, emotional sickness and feeling the hearts pulse throughout every vein in your body- so maybe ten times that- along with a sudden burst of a physical heart ache that takes away your breath….would give an idea. What did I do? I did exactly what the doctors told me to do. Down to the T, without question or resistance. Leave work for a few months without a savings for bills? Check. Feeling guilty because I was worried about the bills? Check. Stay up til 1 am packing and leave at 4am? Check. Don’t go to sleep between those times? Check. Temporarily move states away where I know no one and go through emotions I’ve never dealt with on my own? Check, it was numbing the first weeks anyways. You don’t know how I do it, you couldn’t. Yes, you could. You could and you would keep your feelings in check, you would hide the ugliness of cancer from your child, you would devote your energy to their comfort, you wouldn’t break down, you wouldn’t fall to pieces- you would be the rock and have the strength for both you and your child to ease their burden because that’s the most valuable thing you could do. You would and could do it because you have no choice and if given the choice you wouldn’t choose an alternative option but to do exactly that. You would set through hours of paperwork, much of which you never read through- it wouldn’t matter if you did, you would, and are, signing your childs life into the doctors hands. You would give up temporary custody of your child and give them completely to the doctors , the one time in all their life you entrust another over yourself and welcome it. You would probably be a little overwhelmed by the medicines and times for each but you would figure it out and realize it’s not so bad…maybe realize you have a knack for nursing after all. What is the hardest part? Besides all the above and not being able to switch places with your child, it would be the now nonexistent control over your life. Such a seemingly simple thing, you probably never knew you had so much control of. It’s not yours. And if you thought you lived for, and gave your life to your child before- you now realize how much you lived in ignorance of the freedoms you had. If you had never been humbled before, you would be. You would be forced to fall through on work, obligations, holidays and events- you would feel guilty, you would feel threatened the world you left behind wouldn’t need you- but you wouldn’t care- or learn not to. If you hadn’t had an intimate relationship with the Lord before, you now would. Your eyes would be opened and your heart would be overwhelmed. He would remind you- you are nothing without him and no matter how hard you worked, how well you did for yourself- you are nothing without his love. The world would let you down but he would be there to lift you back up and continue to be your crutch- hopefully you don’t go back to thinking you are strong enough without him. It would be the hardest lesson of all to learn- how the world keeps turning without you. How everyone in your life makes due in your absence. It should be a comfort but for some reason it wouldn’t be. You would have days of hope, maybe happy to be without the pressures of work and life- it would feel nice to reconnect with your child and delight in the simple things in life. Then you would have days of anxiety. What does the future hold, what will happen and what will you do then….. But the biggest thing you would come to find, with a child with cancer, is the good in the world, the good in people. Your closest family and friends would put your child and family on prayer chains, they would make tshirts, benefits, raffles and events all in your childs name- all on their own time and without expecting anything in return. You would be alittle embarrassed by the attention and money raising- but then you would remember the months without work and the lack of savings and you would be grateful and try to express it the best you could. You would receive blessings and prayers from not only friends and acquaintances but complete strangers who you will never know and you would be overwhelmed with such goodness and giving from each and every one. You would mend broken friendships, you would create new ones and you would probably cry because of the love and support you would receive, none of which you would have or could have expected. Eventually you would get a little of your life back, you would learn to not try to get it all back at once, to ease back into it slowly, allowing for unexpected hospital visits and medical set backs. You would be more gracious for others because of those who are now more gracious to you and you would have a new enjoyment for your children and life. You would, in the end- not question why it happened to your child- you would realize there is a much bigger world around you and you don’t have to have complete control, you would find a new freedom in that. You would learn to roll with the punches, not take things or people for granted and become a stronger person and parent, you would develop a new faith and relationship with the Lord. You would tell people who ask what it’s like to have a child with cancer that you do it by their prayers, support and kind words…and to start with paragraph one. Arista Grubbs Mother of Dominic Ramsey Battling A.L.L. (Leukemia) at St.Judes
Posted on: Mon, 21 Oct 2013 14:40:29 +0000
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