What it feels like I can’t breathe most times, throat choked up, chest so tight, close to another panic attack. Everything hurts. My mind, my heart and nobody gets it. So tired, exhausted and I still have not done a thing. Then there are thoughts that I should never think, but it would be so easy if I could just end it all, just like that. My head is thumping, it feels like it’s being bashed against a wall and screams so loud, like nails scratching down a black board silently. I ask myself daily if I will ever get out, walls so thick, it feels like I’m drowning from within. How much can one take? Fighting with themselves. People don’t get it, always asking “why can’t you just be normal?” Triggers trigger memories and then everything collapses, you’re fighting thoughts and crying tears whilst being looked upon like “you’re weird” but nobody knows what you have been through, what you’re dealing with and how much it is you have had to put behind you and block out just to keep on. Shopping malls or parks, it don’t matter where I am, I suffer from panic attacks brought on by triggers, memories, things said and done. What’s worse is knowing that you cannot control your emotions or how you act. Seems like some days would be better off if you didn’t exist, you know you’re hard to be around and then you have days that felt like you have control and you’re able to be around people and you can laugh, you can smile but after a short while the demons come crawling back. So this is what it feels like to be me, a train wreck of ups and downs.
Posted on: Wed, 11 Sep 2013 08:24:26 +0000
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