Whats on my mind? I have wondered that perhaps no part of my old life be allowed or intended by God in my new life.. perhaps the entirety of the old must be discarded in favor of the new abundance God keeps delivering to me? Yesterday while at church I deposited something in the trash can during the worship service like so many others... something I needed to let go of that was holding me back and something I have been praying about for quite a while. Months ago I was given very good advice; that God had separated me and two others from one another so He could heal us each individually, somehow I guess I figured that might mean that one day we would all be cheerfully reunited.... this never happened... and well I suppose I always feared I would be disappointed or let down. Fortunately I am not; my hope is in my Savior and the promises of my Gracious Heavenly Father. I suppose I will get this off my heart now, box up some pictures and only pursue my new abundance. I have really worried that getting divorced would be a blemish to my Christianity; its not what I wanted but there was absolutely no communication at all about reconciliation or divorce. I prayed more than a whole bunch; God has heard my prayers, nothing changed and this is not Gods fault. Hearts are only changed when they are open. Karen was silent on everything for months; her heart closed, perhaps I fear to God also.... she has listened but I doubt it was to His truth, she only offered that she needed this and that it wasnt about me. Well she got it a month ago and perhaps I will never know why? Perhaps God didnt get His time with her; dont know and I suppose it no longer should matter to me, she closed her heart and I was put aside without explanation. I have not one second been angry or upset about any of this matter; I asked for complete comfort and this was bestowed so generously... God has been so kind to hold the pieces of my broken heart. Im done wondering about it now; saw a picture of her recently and didnt barely recognize her at all..... no longer the person I knew & loved.. she appeared empty. My sorrow entered the yellow barrel; its part of my old life now. My son Rick is in jail again; he has been there a few times since June... Someone told me that Rick read a bunch of the bible while in jail a couple months ago... but it seems no redemption took place in his heart.. So it looks like God hasnt had His time with him either. Perhaps someday God will get His time with Rick; I have prayed for this but Im done praying for him also. God has heard my prayers for him as well.. I cannot open his heart either. Regardless of what ever happens in his life I dont want him in mine again; I just cannot bear it... he is part of the old life and I pray I can forget him though it be selfish... my heart cannot bear his weight. Rick sought endlessly to destroy our marriage and took great joy in our loss; I forgive but will never forget, the very sight or thought of him sickens me and I fear there is no relief but to deny him entirely. The very best thing I have ever done in my life is to open my heart to God again; be healed from myself and accept peace & joy. Its likely that I would be robbed of these two most precious commodities were I to have my previous prayers answered; God is so wise. God will always have His time with me and though I have been struggling for a few weeks now concerning direction I know its been made clear... all I need now is a wee bit of courage, a whisker of fortune and just a small tad of extra faith...
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 04:36:33 +0000
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