What’s standing between you and graduation (by major): Anthropology: Explaining to your parents the embarrassing fact that you were turned down for a summer job at Anthropologie, the women’s clothing and accessories store. Art History: Explaining to your parents the embarrassing fact that you majored in Art History. Astronomy: Having your parents explain to you the embarrassing fact that Wheaton doesn’t actually offer an Astronomy major. Biology: The seven escaped, genetically mutated gerbils you still haven’t recovered since the accident. Business & Management: Settling arguments with friends about how to pronounce the band name “MGMT”. Chemistry: That $500,000 fine from the Norton Fire Department. Classics: The ending of Oedipus Rex. You just read the part in which Oedipus finds out King Polybus of Corinth, his father, has died of natural causes, disproving the prophecy that he would sleep with his mother and kill his father. Things are looking up! Computer Science: Missing gym credit. Creative Writing: Fifteen boxes of Franzia. Dance: Arthritis. Economics: Your recent conversion to communism. Education: A little more education. English: Your search for lost time, and remembrance of things past. Also, finishing “In Search of Lost Time,” or “Remembrance of Things Past”. Environmental Science: Caring for the seven sick, glowing gerbils you found the other day. Film & New Media Studies: You’ve run out of popcorn. History: Realizing your education hasn’t prepared you for The Future. International Relations: Extradition back to the US on espionage charges. Journalism: Writing The Wheaton Wire story to end all Wheaton Wire stories about the student being held abroad on espionage charges. Mathematics: Your recurring nightmare about trying to divide by zero and creating a rip in the fabric of space-time. Music: Jethro Tull’s “Thick as a Brick” is stuck in your head, forcing you to make forty-three-minute gaps in your studying schedule as you excuse yourself to the library bathroom every few minutes to whistle flute solos. Neuroscience: Performing black-market brain surgeries on the side to help your Chemistry major friend pay off her $500,000 fine from the Norton Fire Department. Philosophy: Nothing. Time has no genuine ontological status, but rather is an illusion we perceive as beings within a sequence of states in the world that contains merely an order, and so does not constitute a “flow” of any sort. Physics: Calculating the trajectory of your hand, accounting for the unknown variable of Ronald Crutcher’s hand, in order to produce the perfect handshake. Political Science: Offering the first bribe of your career to your senior seminar professor. Psychology: Your efforts to construct a suitable excuse for anticipated failure by engaging in self-handicapping behavior. Religious Studies: You haven’t yet heard the Bad News. Sociology: Trying unsuccessfully to sell back the $1,000 worth of used textbooks you stole from the bookstore. Studio Art: Trying unsuccessfully to sell back the $1,000 worth of used art supplies you stole from the bookstore. Theatre: Trying unsuccessfully to sell for $1,000 the rights to produce your one-woman show, “Me, and Then Some!” to bookstore employees. Women’s Studies: Patriarchy. Patriarchy everywhere.
Posted on: Tue, 06 May 2014 20:21:24 +0000
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