When I go outside walking the dogs I try to pretend im not as highly visible as I am lol. I sometimes wear a hat with my head down while i walk and avoid people. And if i dont have a hat i pretend that i do and only look out of the corner of my eyes. Same goes in the stores, etc.. its gotten much worse over the years. Avoidance. Yet i force myself to look at people dead in the eye when i talk to them, give people a firm handshake, etc.. if a neighbor talks to me about the dogs i will be very sociable but otherwise i try to pretend i am not there. Because i know...and i know how paranoid it sounds but...people stare. And what do they know of me? Nothing. People very rarely know anything about me outside the internet. Id tell people a false name but i never have.. When you are 65 and 400 plus pounds of chunky wearing black it makes people look. Sometimes people look worried and they dont know how gentle i am. Guys will call me boss, chief, lol its some kinda thing here....not sure what it means. Im not a chief or a boss..im just existing. This is some dear diary stuff lol but its some insight to myself at least written down. I spread only the tip of the iceberg about this subject. Nevermind the magicial thinking i involve myself in just to get by. The dogs have to be walked....i have to function outside...
Posted on: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 12:50:56 +0000
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