When I remember a dream or a part of a dream, I try to type out notes about it on my phone before I fall back asleep. This is definitely a good idea, because not only do I sometimes find things in the notes that I hadnt remembered, but one time I even found a note about a dream that I had forgotten entirely until I saw the note there. That dream, the one I forgot about completely, was actually pretty strange. The notes are written the morning of Banjos birthday. I wont go into it in its entirety, but it involved a court case over a dead baby, and the jury was 12 pregnant women. Im not sure if I was the prosecutor or just watching or what. But in the tv-law-show-esque speech, it was said dont think that this was your baby or my baby [the babies were all pregnant with currently]. There was a baby here who was its own person, who is gone. No matter how many babies we all have, we can never replace the baby who is gone. On the same page as the description of the pregnant courtroom drama is an amusingly strange non-sequiter apparently concerned with things not being kosher (Then cafeteria chicken cutlet cheese hiding in) as well as reference to being at the gym and there being machines meant to work on ones core and balance. I guess that gym part of the dream is because lately I find that just holding my own body up is too much for my muscles - like Im too weak to even sit up straight on this earth with all its oppressive gravity. On the next page, written yesterday morning, is a dream in which I was in the living room when I heard talking, and then Caleb and Michael came out of the bedroom because Caleb had had a bad dream. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, but accidentally used the wrong tooth brush - the toothbrush I used was supposedly Calebs, and the bristles were not soft at all, and I felt my teeth crumbling from being brushed. According to the link that google deems most appropriate for the question of what this means, it is about feeling powerless, and that things are falling apart. This mornings dream note is a new version of an old recurring dream, about a house (country house?). But this time, I was with Banjo… I think it was Banjo though it might have changed to Caleb for part of it, I dont know, I dont think so. Also new this time there were swings in the back, but only baby swings. There were big boy swings in another section, and they belonged to someone else but he said we could use them. There was something about wondering if we could reach the beach from there, and I think we realized we could but would have to make our way through sort of difficult terrain… somehow we would have to wade through other waters to get to the beach. Somehow, at some point in this dream I wondered why Caleb wasnt in treatment anymore - even though I dont remember Caleb being *there* in the dream, I do remember having this sense of wait a minute - I need to ask them why we cant just try to do treatment… theres no point in giving up, why not just try? I guess the moments like those in dreams, its as if weve been told that he cant be saved but hes still alive, so then I start to question it and wonder why we cant just try again. And then I start realizing - oh. Wait. Hes buried, hes underground. Hes been in a casket for months. There isnt a way to make this better. Hes not even here. Back in reality… the weekend included Banjos birthday and a Chai lifeline Purim carnival - our first Chai lifeline event without Caleb. We took Banjo to the park for skateboarding and then as Banjo had requested the family got together for a late lunch out. Beforehand, I had thought about the idea of toasting Caleb, but thought that it would be better not to for Banjos birthday… he shouldnt feel like Caleb is stealing the spot light on his birthday. Interestingly, when Hervey led us all in a toast to Banjo, Banjo followed it up with a toast to all the children of the world. The Chai lifeline carnival was fun but strange and sad too. Like everything is, I guess. Shlomo and Dudi were there and it was good to see them and they were fun for Banjo. I wondered if I would see any kids I knew. I saw two, but luckily neither were kids who would know me/Caleb enough to ask about him. First I saw the boy who gave a speech when we went to the fundraising dinner in the spring. Hes been dealing with cancer practically his whole life - he recovered and relapsed twice and is still kicking. Then, in perfect timing, I saw the family we met last Purim - the ones G-d sent us as roommates so that we would hear the whole megillah even though Id said no thank you to having someone come read it for us. I wish nothing but good health and good things to all these children, kinehurah, of course. Truly. But I would be lying if I didnt admit that it all adds to the boggling of my mind. So many children went through so much and came through - why not Caleb? Here I kept thinking that we were the lucky ones, and where are we now? How did everything go so far off script, and so quickly? Sometimes, when I am scrolling through photos, Im amazed by how short his illness was. Heres Caleb getting sick. Heres Caleb in treatment. Heres Caleb relapsing. Heres Caleb getting worse. Here are the things we buried with him... That time in our lives was so huge, and yet it was so brief. How could such a short time contain so much? How could our train derail so quickly and so completely? Tonight were parent-teacher conferences. Banjo is doing much better as the year progresses. Thankfully he has so much support at school from his teacher and the other teachers/staff working with him. Im so proud of him and happy for him and grateful for all the help and love he gets at school. At the same time my heart aches for the two-kids conference juggling were not doing, and for the report cards were not getting. After hiding from my view for a while, the moon is back. Its in the phase of the month when I can see Caleb right there on the moon - his outline with his hands held high. Sometimes it looks like hes standing like a champion, sometimes it looks like hes flying like superman.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Mar 2014 04:27:49 +0000
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