When I was 19 I intentionally overdosed on xanax because I was so depressed and wanted to kill myself... well mostly now I realize I just wanted love and that was just a cry for some sort of attention from those close to me... which still didnt compensate for my lack of self love. My best friend found me overdosed at my computer and I took a trip to the hospital in an ambulance. I was holding a lot back then, I used to cut myself with razorblades too. the problem at the time wasnt a lack of love and attention from people, I was getting plenty, but it was more about me loving the person I was giving everyone at the time..which wasnt entirely me, so loving that image wasnt loving me. I knew that too, I just looked the other way. No ones love for me mattered because deep down I knew i was a fraud. I expressed myself authentically, but it was out of anger. I was hiding and putting up a wall in front of the kind and true me because I feared getting walked on or looked at as weak. It wasnt until I totally accepted myself that I became happy again. I found myself when I became kind again and with my true nature, the nature of all life. A lot of times this is the case. We need to express our truth so that its poured out right in front of us, not others.. sometimes thats the only time we see it and realize it. This is why we vent, draw, write or anything expressed raw. We dont need a response from other people, we need to just see it ourselves so that we can respond. Its a relationship and like all relationships there needs to be honesty, trust and loyalty or else it will crumble.
Posted on: Tue, 15 Jul 2014 16:49:51 +0000
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