When I was a young boy growing up in Princeton,West Virginia, my family would quite often travel to the West Virginia State Fair. It was a big deal in our little state and quite the cultural affair. It had hog calling contests! The contestants would say, “Sueeewwwee! Sueeewwwee!” to call the pigs to eat and the pigs would say, “Thank you so much for the invitation to dine, but I think I shall just remain here and lay in my own feces.” The fair would have culinary events such as cooking contests followed by eating contests. It would have contests where the owners of animals would show off the Crème de la Crème of cows, bulls, ox, horses, mules, pigs, sheep and, of course, those crowd pleasing chickens. There were also many exciting exhibitions of such things as quilts, embroidery, saddles, bed stands, oil paintings and penmanship! The fair also boasted something called the “Midway”. At that time in my life, visiting the West Virginia State Fair Midway was like the first time I visited Las Vegas with my headful of acid. It was awesome! It was chaotic, loud and colorful! The Midway had terrifying amusement rides which would cause men’s sphincters to tighten and women to miscarriage. Carnival rides known as, “The Himalayan, “The Scrambler, “Twister” “Crazy Cups” and “The Bullet”. Now, although my younger sister enjoyed riding any and all of these mobile death machines, I was too much of a “chicken-candyass-coward” to even go near them. I once rode the Merry-Go-Round with my Mother and shat my pants. I enjoyed getting vaccination shots more than getting on carnival rides. I feared and hated them all except for the “Round Up”. The Round Up was a large, flat, circular wheel with an outside wall consisting of little, open indentions in which it’s victims would stand side by side. As the ride would start the big wheel would begin to spin. Around and around it would go. Faster and faster it would go until eventually the spinning motion would produce enough centrifugal force to actually pin people up against its outer wall. The centrifugal force produced by the spinning wheel would make it very difficult for the riders to move their arms or legs and they would travel around and around squealing and laughing like the morons that they were. Then something truly amazing would happen. The entire spinning wheel filled with fools would tilt up onto its side! I loved the Round Up! Of course there is no way in Hell I would ever get on such a contraption, but I was totally entertained simply watching its mentally challenged riders as they traveled around and around. I enjoyed seeing their panicked faces and listening to their terrified screams. I would stand there for hours mesmerized and hoping that someone was going to vomit. I wanted desperately to see somebody puke. I would pray to baby Jesus that someone would lose their lunch and blow a big bright chunky rainbow all over the other spinning riders. I had heard many exciting stories of puking passengers and colon explosions, but was never fortunate enough to actually witness this for myself. I have many happy childhood memories of the West Virginia State Fair.
Posted on: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 07:09:35 +0000
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