When You Don’t Feel Thankful I stand folding clothes as we talk on the phone. A small stack of washcloths emerges as I reach the end of the pile. I start in on the socks trying to find matches while her voice carries to me over phone wires. And all the while I am listening. Sometimes God speaks loudest when we are doing the basest of tasks. The laundry room can be a holy place. “I am having a hard time feeling thankful,” I admit. It’s hard feeling thankful when you reach breaking point. When you are falling. When you lie face to the ground. This is not a place to say ‘thanks’- it’s a place to ask ‘why’. A place to demand answers, reasons, explanations. Not a place for gratitude. I close the laundry room door and start walking, phone to the ear. There are so many biblical verses that tell us we will never be given more than we can handle and that there is always enough grace- but it is hard to believe. Sometimes. Hard to believe that God is enough. That we can live life. That there is more than enough strength thorough steady, common grace. Hard to believe that God’s grace is sufficient. It’s a matter of perspective really. Not always circumstance. For even in our darkest moments- there is light that shines. I tap out words many hours later. The sun is just rising on a darkened world. Through the trees, I can see the light. Through all obstacles, light shines through. Soon, there will be a brilliant display of glorious, epic proportions. There will be a wash of colour, a splash of pinks, oranges, yellows and reds. There will be a glorious sun rising. And it will be beautiful. But in this given moment, it’s just a peek of light. A promise that more is on its way. That’s the way, isn’t it? There is always a new day. And if yesterday wasn’t all it was suppose to be cracked up to be, well there is today. And although I don’t really feel thankful or particularly grateful, there are some things that can draw in in spite of my feelings, in spite of my circumstances and the particular place I find myself occupying in life RIGHT NOW. There are things I can still be thankful for… 1. Thankful that I have a choice in how I view my life. I can view it through a lens of despair or a lens of hope. I have at my disposal a choice: how am I going to view this. It’s mine to make. 2. Thankful that I have a choice in what I voice about my life. I can describe it in gloomy terms or in glowing terms. I have at my disposal a choice: how am I going to talk about this. It’s mine to make. 3. Thankful that I have a choice in how I interpret meaning for all the events in my life- both difficult and joyous as they stand right now. These events can be interpreted as disastrous shards that should be discarded or as beautiful pieces fitting for the masterpiece in the making that my life is. I have at my disposal a choice: how am I going to talk about this. It’s mine to make. I stop looking out the window and look deep into my soul- searching for light, for some kind of illumination. And I remember that I had found some earlier this week in an exchange made between two dying women- one full of hope, the other without. And this is what the latter said in her beautiful letter to the woman bent on ending it all: Suffering is not the absence of goodness, it is not the absence of beauty, but perhaps it can be the place where true beauty can be known. (Kara Tippetts) Although life is full of pain and suffering and tears and unknowns, our lives are not meant to suffer through, to log as if in a chart book- ‘glad that day’s done’: to check off as over and finished. They are meant to be lived. To be experienced. Enjoyed and known. To be analyzed and understood as part of a Master Design. Meant to be celebrated. For each single day on its own is beautiful or terrible, depending on the perspective I might have had that day: but the entirety of the life is beautiful. And in our suffering, along with our joy, we find that God is making something incredible of all the pieces. Sometimes when things seem the messiest, the most work on the exquisite design is underway. And we can be thankful that the work is not over yet. It’s just getting started. It will be something beautiful- a breathtaking display of glorious wonder… when all is said and done.
Posted on: Sun, 12 Oct 2014 10:29:06 +0000
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