When i was a drunk it was just easier to make horrible mistakes and chalk it up to the booze. Being responsible for so much, so many, creates a whole new level of anxiety that i sometimes have no idea how to deal with. Its not like something is wrong, nothing tangible, nothing i can say this needs fixing. Its a different deeper falling feeling of holding onto things that are all trying to escape you. Theres a line from an old story I wrote 20 odd years ago: Holding her is like trying to pin down a german shepherd puppy that just woke up from a bad dream. That is how life my often feels. I said to Jocelyn the other day, My whole world is spinning plates, I live to just keep them all from crashing. When things work, and they often do, my world is overwhelmingly good. I have such moments of joy, moments I dont deserve or even understand sometimes. I am an incredibly lucky person, and I truly have not earned the outstanding life i get to be living this time around... but when that feeling... that off balance ready to crash feeling hits me its like I have no security at all. I fall right into the spiral. I dont choose to be angry or sad, the same way I dont choose to be happy. It just happens, sometimes for no reason or purpose. It just is who i am at that given moment. Dont misunderstand me, this isnt a cry for understanding or sympathy, its just a statement of fact. I cant help me, (and I help everybody), so I couldnt possibly expect you to figure this fault in me out. Let me try to explain. I am the kind of person that will give till there is nothing left. I throw myself into situations where I am bound to end up feeling used, and then even when that feeling hits I still feel a total responsibility, even though i know that its completely wasted on the recipient. I drag me down. I get that. but I cannot see the people I care about without everything they absolutely need, not as long as i can possibly help them. What i really worry about is getting to that point where my help doesnt help anymore. That point where i cease being..... Worth. It happens. Then the battle begins in my head, how can I save this, what can I do, there must be something that I have that will make them... make them... make me something to them again. But there isnt. I know there isnt. Im not a fool. Im just foolish. The change I need to make, the change that I know is impossible for me to make is to just stop. to let all of the plates fall and to collapse into the broken china and finally fall victim to the chaos. Seriously though, what fun is that beyond the initial crash? Life is pretty worthless without that push, so Im just going to ride it a little longer.
Posted on: Sat, 17 Jan 2015 07:21:05 +0000
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